There's a Hole in the Bucket

 

Kate Farley/New Yorker

Once upon a time I had a cell phone with a cracked screen and a dying battery and I just wanted to get them replaced. “You should upgrade” everyone told me. So I looked around and found a used SE iphone at a decent price. While waiting for it to arrive, I realized I will have to upgrade my old mac, fair enough it’s been years since I did so.

Did you just hear an ominous chord?

That will be stressful, as my usual computer guy who handles these things dropped off the face of the Earth after taking my other old computer to his shop months before. I appeal to a computer savvy friend for help. One hurdle overcome.

The new phone comes and I call cell phone company on my land line to make the switch as the new one couldn’t talk to the old one and there was some problem switching them and guy from Consumer Cellular was not sympathetic when I began to melt down at the complicated directions with the SIM thingy. Now I had two cell phones and neither one worked. In order to activate the new phone I would be texted a verification code on the old phone to enter into the new phone but since neither was functioning—there’s a hole in the bucket dear Liza...

Once again I reach out to a techie friend and after an hour and a half on the computer with Apple support and using another friend’s phone to text me the code- which turned a simple transaction into a Byzantine ritual. Cracking the DaVinci code would have been easier. I got a working phone.

How did the old screen get cracked you ask? I dropped the phone within a day of getting it, thankfully the demon who introduced to the Goddamn thing in the first place, had a protective cover on it. Wisely, I go and get one and a protective case. Unfortunately the cover interfered with the touch function which I couldn’t adjust because the touch function was not working (don’t ask me why) so I removed it out of frustration. The case was safe enough I decided and I was super careful when I put it down. There was still more fiddling to get all my old info on the new one so yet another friend helped out. After three weeks of hassle, frustration, and tears I was back to full service. I swear this is the last cell I will ever own, I hate the damn things.

I’m happily talking to my dear friend Martha on my land line – Thank God I kept that- and told her how her nieces Megan and BJ were so kind and patient with me when I glance down at the new full operational cell phone in horror. I have no idea how this happened as I have been very gentle and never moved it from my desk.

The screen is cracked.

There’s more to this Greek tragedy, as I notice my texts are slow and call Consumer Cell again to inquire. Oh I should upgrade my wifi router. Really? Do I need to? Yes, it will be more secure, don’t worry we’ll send someone out to get it installed, no problem. I await with dread.

The wifi guy comes, changes it out quickly checks his phone to make sure it’s on line and directs me to changes on my computer.

It refuses my entreaties to connect. I have no internet. “That’s weird” the tech says which is not the right response. I’m told to call the company tech and he leaves.

So I call Hunter Communications and the tech tells me to do a “DNS flush” whatever the hell is that. I call again and get Carlos who is more helpful and finally get the router to talk to my computer -never mind the phone OS- which I’m told should also be upgraded to deal with the new router. Uh-uh I ain’t touching that, the texts can be slow, I’m not risking a stroke over that battle.

I share the wifi with a friend but her computer can’t connect to the new router. It takes another week and guidance from Carlos to get her service working.

At this point you might be attempted to suggest I could have done this or that but it’s too late. As God as my witness I will never upgrade again. However, I still need to get a new battery as this one is dying and replace the cracked screen.

There is a hole in the bucket dear Liza.