An Open Letter to the President of Egypt

Dear General Abdel Fattah el-Sisi,

Congratulations on being "democratically " elected President of Egypt. The Egyptians need a strong leader for the country, not  some pansy ass  dictator like the ones Syria, Libya and Turkey got. They turned out to be narrow minded, greedy despots surrounded by sycophants and supported by an  oppressive military and foreign influences.

You knew what to do amid the chaos of weak leadership. You took control and know what's best for the people and they better appreciate it by golly.

However if I may, I would like to offer some historical perspective to help you avoid some of  the pitfalls that come with the job of ruling a country with an iron fist.

First, charm the people, it cuts down on all the bitching. Like Hitler did, give eloquent speeches geared to fill the average countryman with pride. How they come from a long and illustrious history. Remind them of how special they are, not like the (fill in the blank) who are obviously to blame for all the countries ills.

Second, let the people have fun. Let that annoying but popular comedian Bassem Youssef  have his show. His ridiculous satire will make people think they not being fooled, relieve them of the stress of living under a strict regime and give you an honest temperature of social/ political environment rather than the word of all those power hungry, lying, yes men who suck up to you.

Third, provide a superficially improved economy. Encourage the tourists to come back. Let the  people have music, games and pirated movies. These are great ways to make them feel content and rich. Let them play on the internet or on video games for hours ad nauseam. They will  be less inclined to revolt with all that mindless distraction. It's worked wondered in America and China.

So with this advice, Allah willing, you won't end up an old man with dyed hair clinging to delusional power or end up shot in the face like that loser Qaddafi. Good luck!