The Bullies Behind the Bullying

In all the talk about bullying teenagers there is a glaring ignorance of the influence adults have on kids. What’s happening is not just peer pressure, it’s an distorted attempt by teens to imitate adults. Years ago disgruntled employees were getting a gun and shooting the mean people at work. Adolescents saw the adults “going postal’ and the school shootings began. 

You can’t call someone a nigger or spic without a quick scolding from an adult. But call some kid a queer, fag or dyke- no response. It doesn’t matter if the victim is gay or not, the kids use it as a weapon against those perceived as weaker. Teens are not stupid, as long as they are not forcibly stopped, they can get away with the bullying. This confidence extended to kids recently bullying an adult. A bus monitor old enough to be their grandmother. All of it captured on video and posted for all to see without fear of reprisals. 

“Where did kids get this idea from?”  the distraught adults ask. They got it from us. We hear how gays are targeted on a daily basis in the media and it’s acceptable to teens because the adults are engaging in the same kind of vile name calling.  As long as adults-whatever their agenda-do nothing, the violence will continue.

It’s the adults who need to act as role models in this issue and we are failing. Understanding the boundaries of insult politics comes with age and experience but teenagers have not developed the emotional aptitude to handle the subtle and complex rules adults play by. They see how divisive our culture is and echo it in their behavior.

The important question is not why are the kids behaving this way, it’s why are the adults behaving this way?  Is the harassment is an attempt by a larger society to reduce the empowerment and existence of gays by eliminating them at an early age with assistance of childish cruelty. Since politics are more important to adults than teens committing suicide they  give tacit approval of such behavior with their silence.

Another part of the problem is how adults react to complaints of bullying. Every attempt is made to contain, suppress or avoid the issue rather than treat abuse for what it is: a crime. Rarely is it recommended to report the physical assaults to law enforcement. This attitude is an extension of the “we’ll settle this among ourselves” mentality carried over from- guess where? the adolescent culture where adults are not to be trusted.

Why are bullied kids so often the ones expelled from a school not the bullies? Are bullied children considered weak? Are the parents also seen as weak? Are the victims low on the pecking hierarchy and so deserve the punishment? Again, we see adults and adolescents are mimicking  each other’s behavior.

The condoning of bullying by the adults encourages further bullying. They see it as an acceptable part of growing up. “That which doesn’t destroys you, makes you stronger” . Except it doesn’t as bullying continues into the adult world. When the workplace bully is stopped it’s because of their impact on productivity not civility. If we want to stop the domineering boss we should start with the high school bully; that’s where they are created.

Children are being told not to fight back for fear of escalation but many see this as a suppression of the instinct to defend oneself. One wonders if school administrators and teachers aren’t reacting to the present bully the way they did when they went to school. Ignore them and the problem will go away. The behavior of the bully boss or the mediators in human resources mimic the same dynamics of the typical high school. 

And so the cycle continues until we recognize our younger selves in these kids and stop the bullying now.

Without adult supervision

Bullies are in the news again. Bad ones who drove 5 gay teens in the last 3 weeks to commit suicide. But they were gay so it’s no big deal right? And you’re not surprised they were bullied right? Of course the school administrations swear up and down that they had NO IDEA it was going on. Meanwhile the guilty parties, the ones actually involved in name calling, harassment and even physical assault will remain unknown. As usual.

There are also a lot of people really upset with the current rash of tragedies. Dan Savage, never a man to mince words or be gentle in his critique is seriously pissed. He also has a project to let these neglected kids know that someone does care and life does get better . The mainstream media has picked up on his campaign. The same media that loves to give air time to the bigots spewing hatred. The people who think gays are evil. The same people who don’t want anti bullying campaigns to include protection of gays because that would allow gays to pervert their children.

Gosh I wonder where the teens got the idea that gays were a good target of ridicule. I wonder who taught them to harass kids with words like faggot and queer. I wonder why teens think they can get away with this kind of behavior.

Because they see adults doing it but unlike adults, don’t have the emotional skills to deal with abuse or understand where to draw the line. Most adults understand there are legal and moral consequences to their actions, teens don’t. Making matters worse is that the virtol adults are enagging in now is devoid of any restraint.

An adult gets mad at work, gets a gun and shoots people they are pissed off at, then shoots themselves because they know what they are doing is wrong. A teen gets a gun and shoots people at school they don’t like but don’t always die in the process. When investigators call on them years later in prison and ask them why they did it and they shrug- they don’t know. They were just imitating adults after all.


When we educate teens about bullying, we need to understand that teens think differently than adults, as if that isn’t obvious. Teens look to adults as role models. We shouldn’t be shocked when they act like the worst of us. So when kids are picked on and the adults look the other way, they think it’s acceptable. They deserve it for being gay, a minority, or different etc. it’s survival of the fittest and they have to get through it on their own as a sadistic rite of passage.

Mind you, this social dynamic doesn’t end at school. Even as a grown up you will find the bully, the jock, the clever girl who gets by on her looks and the principal who does nothing in the work place. Until one day the resentful guy has had it and shoots everyone. Surely we can be better examples to teenagers?