I was sweeping the patio the other day and reflecting on how much I’ve changed over the years of aikido training. One of those changes is realizing I’ve changed at all, I’m not too sharp on self observation. As I was merrily reflecting on the new me a sense of loss came over me as I mourned the the old me.. Sure she was cranky, bitchy and hard to get along with but she was familiar and comfortable. She pushed on even when things got tough. She had a way of looking at things that made sense.
But now she’s gone, replaced by a 48 year old who thinks it’s possible, just possible fate may be kinder to her. A person who can be calm in the face of everyday annoyances like waiting in line at the grocery store or trying to find her keys. A person who can be optimist for hours at a time. I’m not sure what to do with this person I’m not sure I trust her- she’s new to me. I sometimes pine for old me wistfully, not that I would greet her with open arms, no the time for us to part is here, still. I guess I have to get used to the new me.