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Kate Farley/New Yorker
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Once
upon a time I had a cell phone with a cracked screen and a dying
battery and I
just
wanted to get them replaced. “You should upgrade” everyone told
me. So I looked around and found a used SE iphone at a decent price.
While waiting for it to arrive, I realized I will have to upgrade my
old mac, fair enough it’s been years since I did so.
Did
you just hear an ominous chord?
That
will be stressful, as my usual computer guy who handles these things
dropped off the face of the Earth after taking my other old computer
to his shop months before. I appeal to a computer savvy friend for
help. One hurdle overcome.
The
new phone comes and I call cell phone company on my land line to make
the switch as the new one couldn’t talk to the old one and there
was some problem switching them and guy from Consumer Cellular was
not sympathetic when I began to melt down at the complicated
directions with the SIM thingy. Now I had two cell phones and neither
one worked. In order to activate the new phone I would be texted a
verification code on the old phone to enter into the new phone but
since neither was functioning—there’s a hole in the bucket dear
Liza...
Once
again I reach out to a techie friend and after an hour and a half on
the computer with Apple support and using another friend’s phone to
text me the code- which turned a simple transaction into a Byzantine
ritual. Cracking the DaVinci code would have been easier. I got a
working phone.
How
did the old screen get cracked you ask? I dropped the phone within a
day of getting it, thankfully the demon who introduced to the Goddamn
thing in the first place, had a protective cover on it. Wisely, I go
and get one and a protective case. Unfortunately the cover interfered
with the touch function which I couldn’t adjust because the touch
function was not working (don’t ask me why) so I removed it out of
frustration. The case was safe enough I decided and I was super
careful when I put it down. There was still more fiddling to get all
my old info on the new one so yet another friend helped out. After
three weeks of hassle, frustration, and tears I was back to full
service. I swear this is the last cell I will ever own, I hate the
damn things.
I’m happily talking to my dear friend Martha on my land line –
Thank God I kept that- and told her how her nieces Megan and BJ were
so kind and patient with me when I glance down at the new full
operational cell phone in horror. I have no idea how this happened as
I have been very gentle and never moved it from my desk.
The
screen is cracked.
There’s
more to this Greek tragedy, as I notice my texts are slow and call
Consumer Cell again to inquire. Oh I should upgrade my wifi router.
Really? Do I need to? Yes, it will be more secure, don’t worry
we’ll send someone out to get it installed, no problem. I await
with dread.
The
wifi guy comes, changes it out quickly checks his phone to make sure
it’s on line and directs me to changes on my computer.
It
refuses my entreaties to connect. I have no internet. “That’s
weird” the tech says which is not the right response. I’m told to
call the company tech and he leaves.
So
I call Hunter Communications and the tech tells me to do a “DNS
flush” whatever the hell is that. I call again and get Carlos who
is more helpful and finally get the router to talk to my computer
-never mind the phone OS- which I’m told should also be upgraded to
deal with the new router. Uh-uh I ain’t touching that, the texts
can be slow, I’m not risking a stroke over that battle.
I
share the wifi with a friend but her computer can’t connect to the
new router. It takes another week and guidance from Carlos to get her
service working.
At
this point you might be attempted to suggest I could have done this
or that but it’s too late. As God as my witness I will never
upgrade again. However, I still need to get a new battery as this one
is dying and replace the cracked screen.
There
is a hole in the bucket dear Liza.