Friday, November 7

Top five jobs I want

Everyone wants a job they love. Some are lucky enough to do so while the rest of us dream. I have dreams too. After some thought I have compiled the following list of ideal jobs in no particular order:

1. Physicist ( without the math) Why not, I think about this stuff all the time anyway, I live by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (HUP) and I think electrons are the coolest things in the universe.

The HUP states that you can never be sure of a phenomena you are observing because you affect the phenomena you are observing. In this case electrons which have a habit of being here or maybe there, we’re not sure. We only get one chance to look at one because in doing so it’s affects the electrons velocity and /or position. They have probability not certainty. Huh? The way I see it electrons appear to be random because they exist in a non linear way we can’t grasp.

Oddly enough this does not boggle my mind and I have never had a problem reconciling Quantum Physics with Newtonian physics. They are just different ways of looking at the world. Sitting around trying to figure how the universe works is the closet thing to being God I can think of doing.

2. Actor on a sitcom. This is one of the cushiest jobs on TV. It pays well, the hours aren’t too long like a movie or drama show ( they average about 10-12 hour days) and you get to be outrageous. I’d make a good nutty neighbor or smart ass best friend. Proof of this is Jamie Pressely’s role on “My Name is Earl”( as well as she does). Nobody does white trash better and she seems to be having way too much fun.

3. Bouncer- because nobody FUCKS with me. I mean it. I may be small but I scare the shit out of people when I get defensive.

Actually bouncers have a dangerous job dealing with drunks. An old friend informed me about his stint as one. He had a unique way of dealing with them as he’s not a big guy. One time he had to eject a drunk who, of course, got in his face

“Wow I wouldn’t want to be your car radio dude.” he suddenly announced, derailing the drunk’s runaway train of thought with the non sequester.

“What?” he replied confused.

“Your car radio. You know, you’re driving home, still partying and crank up the radio to sing along with the tunes-just grooving. The next day while you take aspirin for that killer hangover and start up the car-whoa! That’s a lot of Prince’s ”When Doves Cry” at six in the morning.

The drunk left the bar without a word and probably still trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about.

4. CEO of any large American corporation where the Peter Principle is rewarded. I can run the company into the ground, ask the government for a bail out when I fuck up and still walk away with millions in retirement. What a country.

5. Weekly columnist in a newspaper. I would work a couple hours a day, write up my opinion in a thousand words and get paid for it. Alright!

I would spend the rest of the time either writing one of my many novels or nonfiction books when I’m not goofing off until the last minute when I have to deal with the deadline and frantically come up with something that doesn’t suck pond scum and the editor rejects -so there is a trade off.

Why settle for being an accountant or working at McDonald’s when you can reach for success. To paraphrase Robert Browning shouldn’t one’s reach exceed one’s grasp?

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