Autism Files: More on Meltdowns and Overstimulation

 

Life is filled with stimuli, be it noise, lights, crowds of people, demands on our attention can be overwhelming. When that happens the ASD will often shut down or meltdown, causing frustration and a loss of temper. The common reaction to someone melting is to demand they calm down. This is not going to get a positive response when someone is simply trying to regain control. Sometimes that involves venting and thrashing to dissipate the stress. Leave them alone until they calm down. Shouting at them like a parent scolding a child having a tantrum is not mature. Instead ask "What can I do? What's the problem? Don’t worry this will pass.” Try to show some compassion instead of focusing on how you're affected. The person in distress is not happy either, so everyone chill.

 In Aikido there is a form of meditation called misogi that involves sitting seiza (on your knees), ringing a bell with the whole arm and shouting in Japanese for like- an hour. 

Before my diagnosis each time the experience was awful. I was left feeling stressed, exhausted and my legs numb. Well, now I know why, overstimulation. I flatly refsue to engage in this activity to save my sanity. Sitting in a chair, in a quiet space and focusing on breathing is much better. Lesson learned: noisy, physical activity is not for everyone-especially someone with autism. Don't pressure them to do it even with the best of intentions.

In Praise of Under Achievement

 

                                                                                                        art by Banksy

    I have trained in martial arts for 35 years and only achieved first degree black belt but not from lack of effort. I really wanted to understand the principles of Ki-- or Chi in Chinese. Deep down I knew it was important but it was hard to grasp because the concept so subtle. Years of coming home from class and sobbing out of sheer frustration because I wasn't getting it should have told me to quit.

    I should have quit when it took me three times longer than average to achieve rank. I should have quit when it was obvious I was not cut out to be a worthy teacher. I should have quit when eight years after getting my Ki rank, I had to retake the test because no one believed I passed it before. I know I did, I remember writing the check and noting it in my journal.

     I still train because the meditation and principles I learned keep me grounded.

    The hard journey taught me a bigger lesson, that achievement is overrated. Society puts a big value on success, reaching a goal, following your dreams. Not all of them are obtainable for many reasons. We often think it's our fault, that all we need to do is put in more effort because we are told you can achieve anything if you try hard enough.

    No, sometimes we can't and instead of seeing it as failure, maybe it's just not meant to be, or the inherent talent is lacking. No amount of effort is going to make me tall enough to play basketball. Realizing ones limits can liberate one to joyful endeavor instead of striving to prove our worth to some unattainable goal. Life is not a competition with winners and losers. We would all be so much happier just being.

    So now I look at my training from a different perspective. I don't need to advance in rank, I'm not obsessed with teaching. I'm fine with just coasting as far as I can go. That acknowledgement is it's own kind of graduation.

Be Kind or Else. . .

         I'm going to come right out and say some unpopular things. My motto is believe what you want and keep it to yourself. That doesn't mean hide it, it means that your beliefs are yours. Faith is a personal thing and should be respected and left alone, but how you treat others is everyone business. "When any one of ours rights are trampled on, we are all damaged." said Captain Picard, (or rather the writer of those lines). Foisting or demanding people think like you is bad karma. Now I can see you nod your head and think "Yeah, I can get behind that." but here's where it gets tough.

         If someone wants to believe the Earth is flat, Democrats/Republicans are stupid, blacks are lazy, Jews and anyone not of your religious persuasion is going to hell- wearing plaid with pearls is a crime-fine. If you or they insist on pronouncing a contrary belief, don't be surprised when people react negatively-they will.

         You can believe whatever you want as you do as long as it doesn't inflict harm an others and I hate this compromise so much because, let's be real, we all want to be right. Tolerance doesn't mean you agree with someone's idiotic delusions, it means you have to put up with them- like they do with yours.

         The motto of the Ki Society (where I train in martial arts) says "Let us have a universal mind that loves and protects all creation. . . " our senior instructor has pointed out many times you can't just send ki to your family and loved ones, you have to send ki to everyone. Yeah, I'm having a hard time with that one. I can't see sending ki to the likes of Mitch McConnell or Rush Limbaugh. Alas, as much as I dislike these guys, they have the right to be here like everyone else.

          No one ever said enlightenment was easy but recognizing the hard climb we must make, helps us endure the struggle. Like dealing with people who scream "muh rights" when asked to wear a mask, they should be pitied not ridiculed.

         "Hey man, I hear you. I dislike these damn things too but it's all we got for protection and besides, it's just a mask, chill."

         I'm no master at any of this, I consider it an achievement if I get through a day without wanting to punch someone but I remind myself that we are all trying to figure out reality. Be kind, it cost nothing and pays big dividends.

Samurai Gaijin

 

      

       "What are you looking at? " Ben asked, peeking over my shoulder while I was on the computer.

         "Oh just some swords," I said off handedly. Ben the ficus plant has been intensely curious about everything since I managed to spring him and myself out of the loony bin.

         "Oh that's a good looking one," He gushes at a the photo on a site that sells "authentic" samurai swords.

         "Oh please, anything less than carbon steel is for show," I replied, as if I knew anything about quality swords.

         I have always wanted a sword since I first held a bokken, a wooden one, in aikido class. I knew instinctively the correct way to hold it, like an ancient memory from a past life. The weight felt right but in this life I was a short plump woman not a sinewy warrior with arms well muscled from years of training.

         "How about that on?" Ben interrupted my reverie.

         "That's a katana, too long," I answered. The problem is I have a short reach so that's out of the question. I click to another page showing short swords.

          I recently became interested in Iaido since sword technique is limited in aikido.      

         Iaido, the art of drawing the sword, is a blend of Zen, Shintoism with a little Bushido thrown in. It's emphasis is on a precise, fluid, controlled motion of the quick draw and careful return of the sword to the sheath or saya. It looks totally cool too.

         "Don't you have a short sword already?" Ben means the dress wakizashi on display in the hall that my brother gave me years ago.

         "It's about as effective as a butter knife," I explained.

          If someone was dumb enough to challenge me I would gladly let them use that sword thinking they had an advantage while I could knock them out with the bokken. If Musashi Miyamoto only needed a boat oar to win a duel well, against the clueless, no contest.

         The fantasy is ridiculous to a true martial artist and searching on line depressed me so I quit  and returned to my daily writing with a heavy sigh.

         " You're not going to get one?" Ben knew that sound all too well.

         "No, I could have purchased one while I was in Japan years ago."        

The group I was with stopped at a sword shop and I asked to see a cheap one on display. I calculated my bank balance and demurred.

         "I should have bought it but the truth is -" I paused as emotion swelled in me.

" I prefer to earn one." I managed in a resigned tone.

         Anyone can buy one, pretend to be bad ass but the old warrior in me knew how  hollow that felt. To me the sword is a symbol of a level of achievement on the path to understanding. I got my shodan but it didn't bestow the kind of insight I hoped for. It was just another step, not completion. Therein lay the stinging disappointment to an impatient soul.

         "Ah I understand sensei." Ben said solemnly.

 

( A word about some terms. Gaijin means foriegner. Shodan is first degree black belt and Sensei is used to address instructors. Bushido is the samurai code of behavior. A samurai carried two swords, a short wakizashi and a longer Katana. Musashi Miyamoto was arguably Japan's greatest and deadliest swordsman. He won 61 duels and lived thru numerous battles then retired to a cave to wrote his masterpiece of strategy "The Book of Five Rings". )

The Myth of Martial Arts

           

      I have practiced Aikido for 30 years and feel the need to correct the unrealistic view of martial arts that have evolved over time.

     Movies in particular, are the big offenders. The fights are a thing of beuty; clean and neat with precise movements and counter attacks. The combatants are equal in skill and fight on for several minutes taking blows that barely leave a mark. Right.

     Ignorant amateurs constantly point out how fake martial art are, how that would never work in a real fight. Really? How many fights do they plan to be in? Most street fights are messy, violent and hardly ever equal. They are usually over in seconds when someone gets hurt or is knocked out. Keep in mind that videos of martial art techniques are demonstrations not combat. What these critics fail to see is the real purpose of martial arts. They are not about men challenging each other in cock fights to prove something.

A Brief History of Budo

      Tae Kwon Do means hands and feet, Karate means empty hands. These unarmed forms were developed by civilians and monks when only the military was allowed to own weapons.

     In feudal Japan, martial arts changed when the Shogun rule ended the petty civil wars and the Samurai were effectively out of a job. They had the time to blend Budo-martial arts-and Buddhism into a spiritual as well as physical practice. When the Samurai were dissolved in the 1860's martial arts evolved again into competitive sports.

Training for Real Life

     Most people take up martial arts as self defense, a way to exercise or as self improvement. The techniques aren't about learning cool moves to defend yourself in a street fight or warding off robbers. You are not expected to use the maneuvers taught but apply the confidence and composure you learn to everyday life. Stuck in traffic? Instead of fuming, relax, do some meditation. Someone being obnoxious? Stay calm and centered so you don't lose your balance or temper. Same with emergency situations.

     The TV Show "What would You Do?" demonstrated an excellent example. A man posed as a an abusive boyfriend in a park. He was approached by another man who firmly and calmly told him to back off. He did the right thing the right way. It turns out the passerby had a black belt in karate and although he was nervous at the encounter, he remained steady the whole time.

      I have used Aikido many times over the years and never had to put a hand on anyone. It's about being centered and gauging a situation to avoid danger or escalation- something police officers should learn.

     The critics of martial arts or combat challengers don't understand what they are talking about. Morihei Ueshiba, a fierce warrior and founder of aikido realized, "True budo must be the spirit of harmony and loving protection of all creation."

           

Worth it?

When I started doing aikido the plan was to get a black belt and teach. Isn't that what you do with your knowledge? Pass it on. I learned skills from the martial art like patience, self control and calmness that I never learned in school. Being able to literally and figuratively see around the corner alone has saved my ass so many times.

I got the rank and the first reward was a trip to Japan- a life long dream- to train with the big kids. After that things pretty much went nowhere. I felt I had been left by the roadside while everyone got to go to the prom. That's OK I'm used to being left behind. But it wasn't. Such abandonment was half my inability to join in and the other half was not fitting in. I didn't know why.

The cause of a life on the sidelines was revealed one day by the dry, clinical bible of mental affairs, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychological Professional. Otherwise known and despised -or revered as the DSM. If this weighty tome says you are mental, you are. I tripped over the entry about Asperger's Syndrome and like a pilgrim finding wisdom in a parable, I had the answer.

While I had been imagining the instructor's were plotting behind my back to block my attempts at teaching or further advancement- the word sensei was hardly ever uttered in my direction- the truth was simpler. I guess I just wasn't cut out to be an instructor as I barely knew how to interact with people. If that is true, then the years of agonizing struggle to learn this craft was for all the wrong reasons.Like reading subtle social cues, whatever they are, I have no idea what the real reasons are. Where I was expecting great insight maybe even enlightenment, the real benefit was entirely personal and amounted to a gushy example of overcoming great obstacles, whatever.  

I'm ready to give up as I am now convinced those stories of epiphany and metaphorically reaching the top of the mountain are highly exaggerated. For me the reaction wasn't  "Oh my God!" but rather "This is it?"

Somewhere in all this disappointment there is an intersection where these two discoveries give me pause. Perhaps as I floated along the river of discovery, I was progressing but didn't realize it as the current was too subtle to notice and I don't get subtly very well. I my case a blunt instrument would work better.

Aikido Days

I love aikido. I love everything about it. The ritual of the mat, wearing a gi, the graceful dance-like movements of the arts. I love the feeling of doing them with ease. I love doing rondori,  which can be intimidating but when you are flowing with ki , it's magical. I learned so much about my self, about power, about the dance of life.

But it looks like my aikido days are numbered. I can't do forward rolls anymore because of arthritis's in my back. Getting up from a backward roll is hard, hell getting up from seiza is hard because of stiff knees. It's not just my body that's failing, it's my sense of purpose. I intended to get a black belt from the moment I started training. I intended to teach from the moment I got my black belt.

Obtaining rank was a Big Deal with me and it took me twice as long as average but, sadly, the teaching is unattainable now.That's the biggest disappointment of all. I understand a lot of things and I'm pretty good at conveying ideas to other people but after all the years of training I still lack an understanding of how to show others this beautiful martial art. What exactly it is I lack I don't know. 

When you reach black belt or Shodan, you wear a hakama and I really dug the idea of having one. It's a black, skirt like pant with wide pleats and two long sashes you wrap around your waist to hold it in place. So I sit in class in my nice hakama that I can't believe I'm wearing and nothing happens. No one calls me sensei and I'm not leading a class to reveal the coolness of what aikido has taught me.

Actually I lied when I said I love aikido. It's more a love / hate relationship. I never did learn to roll gracefully. I'm not an athletic person. I got frustrated when I didn't do an art perfectly the first time. The other students seem to be getting this, what's my problem?

I despaired the times I came home from class exhausted and sobbed because I got it up here in my head intellectually but the direct experience of extending ki eluded me. I wanted to quit so many times. I would disappear for a month or two but was always drawn back knowing this was too important to walk away from.

The first dojo was in an old elementary school tucked in the south hills of Eugene. This involved a twenty minute bus ride ( I don't drive a  car) and a walk through a quiet, hilly neighborhood. I went when it was cold, dark and rainy. I wondered why I was making the effort. I didn't put that kind of effort into anything else.

I made a vow not to quit when I began and I'm stubborn I guess, sso I was stuck with my decision. Still it was hard, then it was easy, then it was hard again. A moment of praise from the teacher would keep me going for weeks. A moment of failure would plunge me into doubt. Climbing the mountain of self improvement is not so simple.

When the brand new dojo was built a mere five minute ride from home well, I had no reason to miss class. Except there was. Tension between me and the senior instructor had been building for years. We never got along due to clashing personalities. He was a fine teacher but struck me as rather bossy. I'm sure the feeling was mutual.

First my mother died, followed a few years later by the unexpected death of my younger sister-which the senior instructor was connected to as he was her doctor.

I was so angry at him and so devastated by her loss I stopped attending  his class for a year and a half. I returned only because I was under the impression I needed to in order to get my black belt.

Remember that? I was still determined to get mine. Everyone else I trained with was there.

One morning I woke from a dream where everyone in class-except me- was wearing a hakama, regardless of rank. Imagine my reaction when I went to class a few days later and indeed everyone was wearing one. It turns out they were practicing for the yearly competition and it was required for the upper division. I wasn't doing it that year of course.

I was still stuck at brown belt. I was having a tricky time with a technique I just didn't get and mentioned it to the sensei.

"That's why you don't advance, iit's always two steps forward and one step back for you."

Then it hit me- after all the years of struggle. I was too dense or naive to see it: he never believed I could do this. Whether it was true or not, that was the last straw. I went to the other instructor and asked her to be my primary  teacher. Fortunately she said yes despite her own misgivings about me, I was always a pain in the ass to her too. I made sure she didn't think I was some broken toy like the other teacher.

"I don't believe anyone is broken. I have complete confidence you can do this Alisa." That was the right thing to say.

I was ready to test. I knew the arts, I was in the groove, the finish line was in sight I was- oh shit.

I had been having attacks of acute pain in my lower gut for years that turned out  to be a set of nasty ovarian cysts that had to be removed  now. So the test was put  off for another eight months. I came this far, I wasn't giving up now. I was patient, I was careful, I was ready.

It was a bright, clear day in May at the dojo in Portland where the test was done. There was only one other student testing and only a few people were in attendance  but I didn't care. The shodan test is supervised by the head instructor of the Oregon Ki Society. The  test can be long and exacting but I knew what was expected of me. Calmness, focus, staying centered. The finale is Rondori- an art where you are attacked by several people at once and you have to keep throwing them aside until the sensei signals an end. It felt like forever but actually only lasted a very active twenty seconds. Then it was over. The relief was indescribable, I was so glad I made it. I got my Big Deal at last and danced in the light of something grand and special in my life. 

On top of that I finally went to Japan with a group of students a few months later to train at the World Headquarter dojo. I trained, I toured, I took lots of pictures. It was the best summer of my adult life.

Five years later the rush of achievement has worn off as I look around at the plateau I reached I wonder if I have the strength of will  to continue the climb. Other than playing with the big kids in the instructors class, I don't see any more advancement ahead.

 You see, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome three years ago. Having a debilitating neurological condition with stunted social skills kind of limits the ability to effectively teach. No wonder it took me so long, no wonder I was so frustrated. It turns outt he teachers had the patience of saints while dealing with me. 

The lessons in ki I learned over the years have helped me to deal with a disability I only recently discovered. It's made my life richer with possibilities. It's allowed me to overcome obstacles and tragedies but I want to do more with this art and it isn't happening. Until I can find a way, it's time to rest from this journey.

If it’s Wednesday it must be time for an aikido lesson.

Actually this is a lesson in Ki principles and meditation. First -what is Ki? It’s what everything is made of, it’s chi in Chinese as in tai chi, it’s prana meaning “breath of life” in India and it’s “use the Force Luke.” Before I get to the meditating part, you need to learn how to keep one point.

When you are standing (you are standing for this aren’t you?) your natural center of gravity is a few inches below the navel and just above “the family jewels” as I like to call them. When you focus your mind on that one point (you can find it by putting your finger on that spot) you are centered. Another way to do this is to come up on your toes like a ballerina and come straight down gently, letting your weight settle to the tips of your toes-not the balls of your feet. If you do this right you will feel like you’re leaning forward slightly but you’re not. I call it the ski jump feeling .

To make sure you are coming straight down have someone rest their hand on your back as you do this exercise. If no one is around, stand against a wall and do it. It’s not standing at attention stiffly but in a relaxed way, but don’t slouch either, didn’t you listen to your mother?

Now here’s the deal. When you sit down that one point is no longer just below your navel, it’s somewhere below the seat. Huh why? Because it’s not a fixed point on the body but moves as your center of balance shifts. Don’t focus on where it physically, focus on the feeling you have as you sit, stand, walk around etc. Ok now that you got that universal feeling let’s begin.

First- The universe is an infinite circle with an infinite radius. This means that ki extends in all directions, infinitely. Don’t try to visualize this or you’ll fry your brains- instead think of it like heat radiating from your body, even below your feet or light from a light bulb- traveling in all directions. Focus on your one point, let the feeling get bigger until it fills the universe. I can get about as big as the solar system before my imagination gives out. That’s fine just continue the feeling of expansion.

Second- the universe is an infinite gathering of infinitely small particles we call ki. If the universe is infinitely big then it’s also infinitely small. This feeling condensed this becomes the individual, then the one point and continues there.

Third- the universe is always moving (so that’s why I get dizzy). Seriously, even the string theory, the newest darling of physics says this. Everything vibrates, it’s moving and moving very fast, so fast you can’t see it’s movement. Here’s one way to get that feeling. Stand and shake your hands as they hang naturally at your side. Shake them faster and faster until you can’t shake them anymore and let them come to rest again. Now in your mind your fingertips continue to shake so fast you can’t see the movement so think faster, faster, faster. Another way is to hold out your arm out like it’s a sword and cut the universe in half then cut it again in half then again and so on infinitely ( you can put your arm down now but let the feeling continue). Remember, no matter how much you reduce something it can never be reduced to zero. In the same way that half, half feeling never ends.


If you have gasped any of these concepts you’re ready to meditate. Start by sitting comfortably somewhere quiet with your lower back straight ( no slouching) and close your eyes. Take a couple of deep breaths then focus on the feeling of your one point. Use one of the three meditations. Think expansion: bigger. Concentration where you think smaller or the faster / half, half. This focus is very rapid. It’s not “Ok the universe, the local galaxy, now the solar system, now here” - forget that. Go from the universe, the individual, your one point and so on. Do it in reverse for expansion. Same thing with half, half, half. You can use one of these techniques or even better, switch from one to the other so you don’t drift off and lose your focus. The meditation really begins when you reached the limits of your visualization and continue.

An Introduction to Ki

Let us have a universal mind that love and protects all creation and helps all things grow and develop. To unify mind and body and become one with the universe is the ultimate purpose of my study. Four major principles to unify mind and body.
1. Keep one point
2. Relax completely
3. Keep weight underside
4. Extend ki

When you enter a Ki Society dojo for the first time you can get an introductory lesson on these four principles. I can only give you a rough idea of them in writing. Like tasting sugar, you need to experience the feeling yourself to understand the concept. So get thee to a dojo.


Our bodies are like the small visible segment of an iceberg floating on the water. There's’ a lot more under the surface, as the Titanic discovered. That part is our mind, hidden and intangible. When we coordinate our mind and body we can tap into ki- universal energy. When I explain this to most people they look at me like the RCA dog until I tell them it’s like the “force” and comprehension lights their face.

Keep one point.
When you are standing (you are standing for this aren’t you?) your natural center of gravity is a few inches below the navel and just above “the family jewels” as I like to call them. When you focus your mind at that one point (you can feel it by putting your finger on that spot) you are now centered. Another way to do this is to come up on your toes like a ballerina and come straight down gently, letting your weight settle to the tips of your toes-not the balls of your feet. To make sure you are coming straight down have someone rest their hand on your back as you do this exercise. Ok you have your center but the one point is not a not a fixed point on your body, it moves as your center of balance moves. Don’t focus on where it is physically, focus on the feeling you have as you sit, stand, walk around etc.

Relax Completely
Ah that’s easy you say, plop down in the big comfy chair with a brew, watch TV and -hold it right there. That’s not what I mean.

We tend to view relaxing as weak, as a state where the mind stops. That’s dead relaxation, when you’re dead you’ll have lots of time to practice that. While you’re alive, practice living relaxation. Living relaxation is when the body is relaxed but the mind is moving very rapidly.

Try this exercise. Stand with your hands at your side and keep them there as you shake them like you have some gooey stuff on the fingertips. Shake them faster and faster until you can’t go any faster physically then let them come to rest at your sides. In your mind imagine your hands are shaking so fast you can’t see the movement but you can feel it in the tingling at your fingertips.

Keep Weight Underside
In a natural state the weight of objects is always underside. Hold your arm out like you are opening a cupboard door or holding a steering wheel. Let it float there. Feel the weight on the underside of your arm? That’s gravity, it’s natural and it’s weight underside. Drop your arm to your side, feel the weight at your fingertips? Good.
Imagine your arm is hollow and has sand in it, the sand will settle to the lowest point. You don’t have to push down or make yourself feel heavy, in fact you should imagine you are as light as a balloon or a cloud. Perfectly balanced.

Extend ki
In other words allow ki to extend infinitely. Ki flows by itself, what is Ki? It can be translated as “universal energy”. Everything is made of ki, you, me, all the plants and animals including the annoying dog barking next door- everything.

Imagine yourself at the bottom of a flight of stairs. At the top is the dentist office, an IRS audit, something really bad- whatever. Now walk up those stairs. Hard huh? Now this time imagine there is a winning lottery ticket, a hot date with the celebrity of your choice, whatever you most desire. Now walk up the stairs. It’s a lot easier right? Nothing could stop you if they tried.

In the first case, you were not extending ki, in the second one, you were. The difference is intention. Tohei Sensei says “Mind leads body.” The sequence is ki goes first, then mind, then body.

Here’s one you can do with a friend. Hold out your arm with it bent slightly at the elbow and make a fist. As your friend put’s one hand under your wrist and the other on top of the arm just above the elbow, resist physically as they try to bend the arm. Your friend should use gently but firm strength, the object is to bend the arm not break it.

Now hold it out again and let it float there. Imagine energy flowing from your fingertips and continuing infinitely. If you continue to focus your mind on the feeling of ki extending they will not be able to bend the arm this time.

The first time I did this was in an introduction class and let me tell you was I ever surprised. My reaction was dude, you weren’t really trying to bend my arm, were you? This is the same startled reaction everyone has. There’s no intrinsic value to this trick beyond winning bar bets but it is a clear demonstration of mind and body coordinated.

Tohei sensei extended this idea further with “Chido setsu” a phrase he coined which means that ki flows infinitely in all directions. Ki doesn’t come from you but flows through you.You don’t need to make it extend and it goes in all directions like a light bulb radiating heat off your body.

Don’t try to think of all four principles at once, you’ll go crazy. Sometimes keep one point will work better than say, relax completely. Use one and you have them all, lose one and you lose them all.

In Ki class we learn how to use these principles in our daily life. The dojo is for practice, real life is for application.

I stand corrected. . . now I'll sit down

I wrote about a recent class in aikido class and with this retort learned the real meaning of building sand castles.

"Everyday, you build a sandcastle that is washed away with the tide. The next day, you must build it again. And it will be more grand than ever before. You cannot try to preserve the castle for it will dry out, crumble, and no longer be what you originally had. You must allow what you learned from the building of that sandcastle to remain with you, but let go of the castle itself.

The next day upon your beach venture, you will be able to build a much more beautiful castle than you ever could before.

Aikido is the perfect example of this castle. What you have learned you can take away with you, but the showing of that skill cannot be preserved or recreated. Everyday, you have a new empty beach on which your castle can be built. Without that clean mindset, you castle cannot be as unique and one of a kind."

Like Real Life

In aikido class, I was doing a simple little throw I've done a million times for the last 20 years, it wasn't working and I was getting annoyed. "What's going on here?" I heard my inner self ask impatiently. My aikido partner-an energetic teenager- summed up the situation well. Sometimes aikido class is like building a sand castle, it's beautiful but dissolves with the incoming waves. Like real life.

I figured out the problem as I pedaled home on my bike. Attacker does A and I respond with B , followed by C. Because the uke (attacker) didn't do B the way I expected, it disturbed my response and I got stuck. It was expectation versus the reality of the situation. Like real life. Wait a minute! that sounds like a realization. It was a reminder that training in the dojo is all very nice but it has to apply to the real world or it's worthless.

Don't rely on expectations, they can go awry and when they do, you have to stay centered instead of getting frustrated that things didn't work as you planned. Like real life.

This is your brain on aikido

It ‘s Thursday, time for Aikido class. I grab my gym bag and head off to the dojo a few blocks away from home. I have trained off and on for years. The off occurring when I get irked at the sensei, or annoyed by my pansy ass lack of discipline. That’s the way it goes sometimes.

Aikido is a Japanese martial art developed in the 1930’s from a blend of judo, Daito-ryu jujitsu, kendo with a dose of Shinto and Buddhist philosophy thrown in for good measure. What makes Aikido different from the other martial arts is the strong emphasis on Ki- or universal energy.

Ki is hard for the western mind to grasp. Everything is made of ki and it flows in all directions. By unifying mind and body you can access this energy and use it to fill your life. When I explain this to most people they just look blankly at me until I tell them it’s like the force in Star Wars. Then I show them “unbendable arm”. I hold my arm out in front of me in a relaxed but focused state as I extend ki and it is impossible for them to bend the arm no matter how they try. It’s great for winning bar bets.

I like the class and the way the arts provide physical feedback of the abstract concepts we’re taught. I had a head start with my exposure to Zen Buddhism. Little did I know how long it would take to really grasp the concept of ki- way too long, I muse for the thousandth time as I change in the dressing room.

You don’t need great physical strength to do Aikido which suits me fine; a casual glance at my beer keg physique reveals I’m not an active person. The toughest part is putting on the hakama.

As a black belt one is required to wear the traditional wide pleated black pants that looks like a skirt, over your gi pants. It’s tied around the waist with two long belts involving an elaborate bow in the front. It’s an honor to wear one but there are drawbacks. One trips on it frequently when getting up from sitting seiza or while doing an art. It’s hot in the summer and forget about going to the bathroom in a hurry.

Aikido is a purely defensive art, where one learns to blend harmoniously with an opponent in a kind of dance; deflecting and dissolving the attack without anyone being harmed.

Tonight is the advance class which meant hard work. The class is split in two, the lower ranked students to one side, the black belts on the other. I pair off with Dennis who is the size of the average apartment building, he doesn’t faze me at all. I like to work with the big guys, then I know I have to use ki and not muscle to lead them.

We bow to each other and begin as the sensei calls out the maneuvers. Dennis raises his arm and charges at me, intending to whack me square on the head. I turn out of the way just before his arm comes down, avoiding the blow, then sweep him in a graceful arc with one hand in front of him like a carrot on a stick, the other hand nestling his head. My hand comes down close to his face and he falls, executing a perfect backward roll that brings him to his feet again. In the next maneuvers he trys to punch me in the stomach. Ah my favorite move.

I glide out of the way of the blow at the last instant, gently take his hand like coaxing a child to come along, and we travel in a circle. I reverse direction abruptly causing his wrist to bend in my grasp. I lead his hand down, then toss him away like a dish towel, he flies into the air making a loud thud as his weight hits the mat.

The sensei debriefs me on my technique and we switch places. It’s a silly sight, a five foot woman ferociously attacking a large man, but he deflects the blow and throws me easily. By the time we finish, we are both panting and sweaty. As class ends, we all line up and bow to the front then thank each other.

A lower ranked student asks to fold my hakama and I’m grateful for the offer. For me it’s the only perk of being a sensei as I don’t feel any different from any other student most of the time. Sensei means “ one step ahead “ but I think it means “You have to act like you know what you’re doing”. That’s the real challenge in aikido.

Lost in Translation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaJBr96x0S8

As mentioned before I posted my rondori on YouTube for all to see.

I thought it turned out pretty well and it looks spectacular but there is problem with video. As one viewer commented on the video: “I'm sure you can kick my butt, but this was 99% fake....they didnt even wanna touch you”(sic) .

I suppose I should be pissed when people say “ Oh that’s so fake” I understand that the rush and energy does not translate through the camera but I can tell you and the anonymous poster that what you see in the video is quite real. I know, I was there and those young guys were trying very hard to grab hold of me. This is not aikido as Tabata Sensei has pointed out many times, it is an exercise in extending ki no matter what is happening. You try staying calm while five guys come at you.

“Why would you let someone grab you if you were walking down the street?” Tabata Sensei, the senior instructor often said when training us for this exercise. We are trained to lead them by before they can touch you . If someone comes at you, you better not wait until they grab hold of your coat before reacting or you’re done for.

The real life application is there in every play in a football game or dealing with a class room full of first graders. I once had to take a timed typing exam and was so stressed by it until I reminded myself it was rondori. I aced it. I used the same feeling when I was stage manager at the Lord Leebrick Theater corralling a dozen people back stage and make sure they were ready for their cues.

Think about this the next time you have four things that need to be done now. Think about this when you have to drive in heavy traffic in bad weather. Think about this the next time you feel overwhelmed with stress. Relax , extend ki and let it go by.

Shodan to Shoden

Shodan is the black belt rank in aikido. Shoden is BB rank in ki. The test is all about being able to extend ki while having the instructor push on you in various ways. ( in this case Tabata Sensei, the senior instructor of the Oregon Ki Society).

To those who don't train this may sound like gibberish. Let me put it to you this way: imagine you are at the beach floating around in the water up to your chest, enjoying the waves as they gently lift you up like you are a small child. You can handle it because you see the waves coming. Now suppose in your distraction a rogue wave-much bigger than the ones you have enjoyed comes and you only have enough time to think "oh shit" before it hits. That's what it feels like when the instructor comes at you. A big wave of energy comes and you have to stay calm and not lose your balance not matter what.

I passed the test of course, but it was only on the ride back to Eugene with my teacher that I finally felt like a real black belt. I did it, after all these years. it still feels weird to have someone call me sensei and see myself in a hakama when I look in the mirror but I'm here.

I might even be ready to teach now.

How Do You Hide a 12,000 Foot Mountain?

I don’t believe Mt. Fuji exists. I never saw when I was in Japan. I had three, count them three opportunities to see the famous majestic peak and got nada, zip, zilch.

We traveled on the Shinkensen, the bullet train, from Tokyo to Osaka which passes right by Fuji. On that day it was a heavy overcast. I figured we might see it on the way back a week later when it clears.

We take a day trip to Hakone to the top of a peak where volcanic vents spew their sulfuric gases into the air- amid dense fog. Oh crap.

There is a large signboard in the parking lot identifying the sights you can see on a clear day, including that big pointy mountain. Everyone takes pictures of the sign instead. Maybe the fog will clear when we get to Lake Asahi down below. We’ll glide along on a boat like the one in the brochure where you can clearly see Fuji in the background. The fog is so fucking thick the pilot has to rely on sonar to find his way back to shore. As a consolation prize our guide Akiko teaches us how to make a lovely little Mt. Fuji with origami paper.

When I get to Tokyo days later it is finally clear. Great! I go to the top of a 60 story building and I hate heights but this is worth it. It offers a clear view of the city and surroundings. Well about as clear a view as smoggy, humidity laden Tokyo gets in summer. In other words the air is chunky style and not giving up much of a view of anything. There is an obviously altered photograph “claiming” to show the mountain but at this point I have come to the conclusion Fuji San is a nothing but an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the Japanese.

Narita /Tochigi

The BIG Dojo

Meeting Tohei Sensei

"Are we there yet?"


Japan. It’s 5000 miles and ten long hours of flight, but worth it. The first thing everyone notices as we step off the plane is the heat and humidity. I’m talking deep south humidity. We were warned about it but oh boy I’m not used to this. The bus ride to our final destination takes 3 hours with a toilet break at a truck stop. I make my first purchase with the Japanese yen. A badly needed coke. I figure I’ve been awake for over 21 hours.

We arrive at the Ki society headquarters- Ki no Sato around 9 pm. The complex is located out in the country on several acres of land but I can’t see much of it in the dark. After getting luggage and dorm room assignments figured out, we are treated to a light dinner in the cafeteria. A bowl of cold soup with cucumbers, seaweed and a side dish of rice with tomato sauce and salmon. Now I’m normally a fussy eater and not adventurous with food but we were told to clean our plates- it’s polite - so I dig in. I am treated to the first of many delicious meals and finish it all.

The next morning I get to see the facility in full overcast light. The main hall, cafeteria and dorm rooms are very bland in design. It looks a lot like a community college campus. Not what I expected but I’m not sure what I expected. Everyone must wear slippers inside the buildings, except in the bathrooms where you put on another pair especially for the toilet area and ONLY THERE. The toilets are western style but some have a spigot on the top of the tank and a hole where the water drains into the tank. Weird. The toilet and bathing rooms ( which are completely separate) are done in a pepto-bismol pink. Bleech. I wonder if the men's rooms are in blue.

Although the main rooms are unassuming, the dojo and meditation hall are gorgeous. The main dojo in Portland is about a 105 mats (each tatami mat is roughly 3 by 5 feet). The headquarters one is 502 mats. It’s HUGE.

Senichi Tohei -son of Koichi Tohei ( the founder of this branch of aikido) teaches the first class. He is a tall slender young man with a melodious voice and good command of English.

“Control yourself before you try to control others.” He tells us as he guides us through exercises to help us get our one point and therefore get that control. When meeting someone, he tells us, have mind and body coordinated, not separated. Focus on the person without distraction, being abrupt or negative. As with all things, focus 100%.

Though it’s quite warm even this early in the day, the class goes by swiftly. The afternoon class is a little more trying as Yutaka Otuka Sensei, a very nice man who smiles constantly does not speak English and his interpreters don’t keep up with him so I just follow the best I can.

At the evening welcoming party Tohei Sensei- now confined to a wheelchair after strokes and heart attacks, comes to visit. We all get a change to greet him shake hands. He is sharper than he appears, even drinking some wine.

The next day before an afternoon class we get to tour the ancestral home of Tohei’s family. A 350 year old traditional Japanese house. I think I have died and gone to heaven. I am a major architect freak.Everyone takes lots of pictures and we are entertained by Tabata Sensei ( Our senior instructor) with his experience living in the house as a kid. That’s right, Tohei Sensei and family lived in the house until about 20 years ago. It is a museum piece and I love it.

There are several metal poles about a hundred feet tall scattered around the complex. They aren’t cell towers because there’s no antenna on top so I’m puzzled by their use until one of the nice staff tells me these are lightening rods. They get a lot of electrical storms in the area and these “call the thunder” as he put it. I like a good thunderstorm but I’m not sure I want to be near one of these big suckers when it’s struck. They are too close for comfort

More classes and another party with much beer drinking ends our stay at headquarters. Tomorrow we leave for a week of touring. Next stop Osaka.

the turtle returns

Well I made it to Japan and back. My impressions are, in no particular order, it was very muggy and hot, It has a lot of temples and shrines and the food was excellent. I’m still in the process of resetting my internal clock so I get sleepy at odd times. Jet lag is a bitch. There will be lots of pictures and entries in the next few days as I sort through my notes so stay tuned folks.

Overall I had a great time except for two glaring occasions which I’ll comment on later and my biggest regret is not getting a sword which was on of the primary reasons for my trip. I did fulfill a life long dream and saw the giant Buddha at Kamarura and met Tohei Sensei once more .

I’d like to thank the Oregon Ki Society for making this trip possible, especially Calvin Tabata and Louis Sloss Sensei. It was fun training at the big dojo with Otsuka and Senichi Tohei Sensei. Big thanks to the folks in Japan who managed to corral 60 people and their luggage from one city to another- Thanks to guides Michi and Akiko on bus no. 2- you were great. To all my fellow travelers, you were great company, it was a blast.

Nippon Here I Come

I am going to Japan. I have dreamed of going all my life. I will be training in the headquarters dojo of the Ki Society and if I’m lucky catch a glimpse of a living treasure Koichi Tohei Sensei ( I actually put my hands on him when he visited the Portland dojo grand opening years before).

After reading several books on the complexity of this polite culture, I am worried I’ll make an ass of myself or worse embarrass the group I’m traveling with. Don’t point, don’t blow your nose in public and for heaven sakes don’t mention the yakuza ( mobsters) theoretically they don’t exist. These are obvious, perhaps, but there are little things to trip you up; there are slippers for indoors and ones used only in the bathroom. Place the chopsticks on the little tray provided, never stick them into the food when done.

On top of this, I don’t like flying ( ten hours both ways). I don’t sleep well in a strange bed, I’m not adventurous with food ( despite my insistence on having Japanese meals) and too timid to just wander off and explore, preferring to stick close to the hotel.

The trip has a lot of sightseeing involved but it sounds suspiciously touristy. I was kind of hoping for more than temples and museums for the nice foreigners to see. There is also the issue of the Japanese language which is difficult for a student let alone a casual traveler. I keep telling myself there will be people around who speak English or can translate but it’s another barrier to full interaction with the natives.

At the risk of writing fiction as my friend Martha says, I’m afraid of being disappointed, exhausted and embarrassed. I’m beginning to have second thoughts about this trip. I do not want to fuck up. I figure the best thing to do is keep my mouth shut, my head down and try to stay out of the way. øf course doing so will make me appear sullen, uncommunicative and dull. People often mistake my silent retreats as rude disinterest. Despite my brash veneer I am often paralyzed with shyness in the presence of strangers and this group might as well be, I barely know any of these people outside of class.

So I’m going to a country with a foreign language and customs with a group of people I’m not familiar with with little advance orientation. What could go wrong?

This is why I stay home.

I'm new to this sensei thing

“Well do you feel any different with your black belt?” Sensei asked.

“Other than a wedgie from the high inseam of the hakama, not really.”

Thus ended my first class with my shiny new rank. It was strange to be seating there listening to the teacher then bow to see black draping my legs. I haven’t gotten use to the students calling me sensei-it’s kind of embarrassing but I don’t mind them folding the hakama. I thought that would be an issue as I am egalitarian the way I treat others and I generally eschew rank distinctions. I discovered how much I don’t like folding them-not because I can’t, the anal retentive in me loves to fold them correctly as much as I love folding a map but I was glad I didn’t have two to fold; mine and someone else’s.

It’s too early to say how this will affect my training, hopefully not much at all. God forbid I begin to think I know what the fuck I’m doing and corrupt some poor newbie with my limited, clumsy understanding.

I feel like I do when working as a volunteer at the library. I sit at the second floor reference desk and when people ask for information, I have to direct them to real librarians.

My sensei thought it funny to show up for class and tell me she wasn’t feeling well and I had to teach that night. Don’t do that! It reminded me that when she took her black belt test on the same day the senior instructor ripped his ankle during his sandan test and was in a leg brace for weeks afterwards, she had to teach class.

That day is bound to come, let’s hope I am ready for it.

Shodan Diary

"Success is a rare thing"

I hesitate to say how wonderful a day I had for fear something terrible will happen to ruin it. I have strived a long time for this goal. I don’t know how to describe how I feel it because it’s such a new experience for me.

Gaining black belt rank in aikido is not a easy thing. Those who have, will dismiss it as no big deal while humbly acknowledging the hard work to gain it. It is hard work and I too, am grateful of the achievement.

It was like any trip to Sunday class in Portland except a dear friend who doesn’t train drove me up instead of one of the other instructors from Eugene. It promised to be clear and warm after several false starts at Spring. Indeed everyone worked up a sweat in the intense aikido class. After a half hour break we had ki class taught by Tabata Sensei, considered to be one of the top instructors in the country.

Class ends and the aikido testing begins immediately. A table is set up at the corner of the mat and the chief instructors sit in judgment. I go first thankfully. I don’t like watching someone else go first while I fret about technique and worry my performance won’t measure up. It’s an actor thing. It also give me time to rest during the other test before the grand finale of rondori.

My partner Steve and I moved smoothly through the waza (arts) as they are called out. I made a few goofs but instead of scolding myself for them I merrily make the corrections. (Although now looking back I am less pleased with my errors). I am asked to do Jo Number One, a set of movements with a four foot staff. I begin and immediately realize I’m doing the wrong one.

“Oops that’s number two let me do that again.” and I sit down to restart. This is a major no-no because I should have just finished what I began. I catch Tabata Sensei frowning at me like what the hell is she doing?

The next big goof is when Steve trys to cut me with a wooden sword and as I take it away from him I put my hand on what would be the sharp blade of a real sword. This is immediately spotted by the senseis. I was kind of hoping they wouldn’t notice that but they know what to look for, rats. I do it two more times before I get it right.

A test is not a pass or fail affair. You aren’t considered for a test until they feel you are ready, so the goofs aren’t held against you( except they expect you will never make the same mistake again).

At last comes rondori. We had been practicing it in aikido class with some success but the teacher was concerned that I wasn’t “popping up” fast enough from a sitting position when you start. He’s not the only one, this body isn’t exactly a toaster.

Tabata Sensei stands at the front of the dojo as five people line up on one side of the mat while I sit on the other side. He impresses on me the importance of staying calm, keeping one point. I feel like a rider on the top of a roller coaster about to plunge down the first drop.

We bow, he shouts “Begin” and the next thing I know I’m standing and wondering what is taking these guys so long to get to me. Mind you they are coming at me in a dead run. Ok I’ll take this one over here first. They roll, get up and return for another attempt. The rest is a blur as I continue to brush them off. A couple of times they almost succeed but I calmly go on, refusing to let them get to me. At one point I step back - DON’T DO THAT! I shout to myself and move forward thereafter. Finally I hear the teacher clap two wooden blocks together as the signal to stop. We return to our original places and bow. The entire thing last 30 seconds.

We formally end with everyone lined up and bowing to Tabata Sensei. There is applause and congratulations from all the instructors for me and Diane. I can barely contain my emotions as years of effort and desire finally pay off. By the time my sensei comes up to me , I’m in tears and she gives me a big hug. Later as I’m changing, Mindy one of the ukes in rondori, congratulates me.

“I had fun attacking you.” she said.

“What a coincidence I had fun throwing you.”

As I look at the group of instructors toasting the new shodans I feel palatable relief that it’s over and I am one of THEM. Not that it will make much difference. Like graduating from one grade to the next, now I’m the freshman and target for endless ribbing. I am also informed that I am expected to be a responsible role model in class. I glance around doing a “Who me?”double take.

I have climbed the mountain to discover I've only scaled one hill. Just another milestone on the journey with aikido.