An audience of one

I was supposed to get lots of things done since I put them off while the writing frenzy was going on but like most of my good hearted plans- it didn't happen. It's colder than a witch's tit outside that's why. So I paid some bills and tinkered while talking to no one.

"Hey self how's it going?"

"Oh about like that."

Isn't great that you always have yourself to talk to when there's nobody else around? Yeah living alone has it's perks. Unless I'm mad at myself and give myself the silent treatment. That sucks. I can always turn on the TV and tune out.

How the fuck do people blog about their lives when they don't have one?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one reading this.

Private Audience

What is it like to write a 50,000 word novel in a month? Time consuming, brain numbing and distracting. I put everything on hold and spent 2 to 4 hours a day writing in long hand. The rest of the time was spent getting errands done- you know boring stuff like paying bills and doing laundry- and thinking. To most people it might look like goofing off but even while doing the dishes, stretching, or raking leaves I was composing. I took breaks to do something physical so I didn’t turn into a complete slug. It was time needed to download ideas about plot, dialogue, narrative, sequence of events essential to writing.

Or avoiding writing. Like many writers, I normally spend as much time and energy avoiding writing as doing it. While the characters have something new to say, my ego is all too predictable. “This sucks. It’s not good enough. I have no idea what I’m doing. Nobody will like it. Why bother.” Having a tight deadline like the NaNoWriMo contest is a good way to get that inner critic to SHUT UP.

I learned more about writing in the last month than any class or book. I learned that I could discipline myself to write every day when I had a specific goal to reach. When caught up in the frenzy of the hunt, there’s no stopping me. I learned that writing truly makes me happy and my depression appeared as only a small dark cloud on the distant horizon during the project. It was liberating, exciting and hard work. I loved every minute of it.

What made this story more accessible to me was that the characters were based, very loosely, on people I knew. In the process I discovered things about them and myself I never knew before. When I first conceived of the novel twenty five years ago I knew I couldn’t write it then because I was too close to the subject. It’s time has come, now that I have gained enough distance and maturity to view that history without getting emotionally tangled up in it.

Writing a novel is like building a house. The story idea is the foundation and the 50,000 words are the building material used for the foundation and rough framing. Of course I’m building from scratch with a blueprint roughed out on a dinner napkin but hey, if I can build a tea house by making it up as I go along, a novel is easy by comparison.

I want to thank everyone who encouraged me to keep going and especially to KC Anton for suggesting I enter it in the first place. Please feel free to help me continue my happiness with more writing suggestions.

It's official!! We have a winner

It's official. After 27 days of toiling I have written a 50,471 word novel in the National Write a Novel in a Month Competition. I did it in long hand filling up 2 and a half spiral notebooks, used 7 pens and I did it with 3 days to spare. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll get drunk and collapse. A full report will come when I recover.

Everything I need to know as a writer I learned in aikido

This writing project has taken some interesting turns. Ok I can deal with that. I've learned to roll with it, always be proactive and stay calm. We are taught that in aikido all the time. Who would ever think martial arts would prepare me for life as a writer.

I have learned more about novel writing with this project than I have ever learned from any book or class. Telling is easier and faster than showing, I really need to increase my vocabulary, I can only use "she said calmly" so many times and it's not very descriptive. It's ok to change your mind about the character/action/ sequence of events- it can always be changed later thanks to the magic of word processing. Always stock up on pens and paper ( I write first drafts long hand).

When I started writing on November 1 I was worried I wouldn't be able to finish in time now I worry I won't have enough material to make it to 50,000 words. I'm normally a wordy person but that's a lot of words. I intend to get to the finish line come hell or high water or if the pens hold out.

Stay tuned.

What time is it? What day is it? What Century?

I'm supposed to be going to aikido fall camp this weekend. I'm supposed to be doing volunteer work at the library. I'm supposed to be having a life. None of it is possible while trying to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. It has consumed all my time. Even if I'm not actually sitting at the desk writing, every moment I'm running errands or taking care of all the little matters of life I am composing in my head. I lie in bed and can't sleep because that part of my brain that writes is distracting me.

"You know you could move that characters speech to the-"

"Shhh, I'm trying to sleep." Is say as I adjust the pillow.

"Oh sorry, right. Before you fall off to slumber land what about the conflict between Big Joe and his son on page-"

"Yeah I'll deal with it tomorrow." I say as I turn on my right side.

"This will only take a minute." the writer insists.

"Will you shut the fuck up and let me sleep." I snarl as fatigue overtakes me.

This is what it is like inside a writer's head aren't you glad you didn't ask?

I thought this would be easy. Knock out 2,000 words in two or three hours and have the rest of the day free. Not a chance and it's driving me crazy. When I started I worried there wasn't enough time. Now I can't wait until the time is up like a convict marking off the days until he's released. If I can remember what day it is.

I want my MTV

I was wandering through cable TV today looking for something to watch with a hundred plus channels and was dismayed at the changes in my old favorite networks. I remember CNN when it was just news. No news crawl at the bottom and multiple screens with moving graphics. Just the news with a talking head and some video and let’s move on. Now it looks like a noisy game show. I remember when MTV showed just music videos occasionally interrupted by a stoned ‘vee jay “ who could barely read the prompter. Now I’m lucky if I can find a music video amid the shallow pseudo celebrities in sex rehab. Eww.

I remember Bravo and A&E (which used to stand for Arts and Entertainment) when they showed foreign movies, ballets and plays. I though the Biography Series was cool when it featured historical figures. Now, thanks to it’s purchase by NBC and Disney respectively, it’s reruns of Law and Order and a couple of queer guys proving how dorky straight guys are. Like I didn’t know that already.

I want cable channels to be more than endless reality shows. There’s nothing real about them. I liked Discovery and TLC when they showed documentaries about nature and real operations on people (not for the squeamish). Not some dysfunctional guys making outrageously expensive motorcycles every bleeping week. If I want to watch a family scream obscenities at each other I can get together with my own, thank you.

I want my news to be informative and impartial not a bunch of people spouting sound bites. I hate the term sound bite.

I want TV I can watch for more than ten minutes without getting impatient or a headache. There has to be something better than a shrill Bill O’Reilly or a bald Howie Mandel torturing some poor slob with a suitcase of money. How about a Zen network where quiet, log shot images of gentle rivers, trees swaying in the wind and animals grazing in the fields. Please.

To Thine Own self be good

I work with a wonderful older woman who is profoundly deaf. I help out with her laundry and cleaning but mostly I listen to her talk. She can still talk but can’t see too well anymore. I asked her why she didn’t get glasses and she dismissed the idea. Her doctor didn’t think it was worth it as her eyes are getting worse she has to have eye drops but why bother. I think these are just excuses and told her so. I think it’s a shame she denies herself a better quality of life but don’t we all?

I do it all the time but when I see other people do it, it drives me crazy. It got me to thinking that I don’t have the right to nag Helen to improve her life if I’m not willing to do the same for myself. As a variation of the Golden Rule we should inspire our own life before we can inspire others.

How many times have we denied ourselves a gift, a day off or a simple pleasure because we didn’t think we deserved it? I’m not suggesting self indulgence as much as self care. I have no problem treating a friend to lunch or doing a favor for them and nor should I stop doing those things but it’s important for us to remember ourselves in the equation of caring.

Even that bombast Dr. Phil has it right “ You can’t give away what you don’t have.”. Instead we berate and begrudge our own spiritual well being out of the socially ingrained puritanical notion of self denial and guilt.

Well knock it off or I’ll come over and nag you about being good to yourself.

meanwhile in the real world

Instead of spending millions of wasted dollars in Afghanistan on troop build up, corruption in the central government ( I use the term government loosely) and big projects that languish, let the Afghanis do it themselves. Let them build roads,put in wells, plant profitable crops ( other than opium) teach their girls how to read. A little bit goes a long way instead of bloated ugly production like a bad Vegas show. I've said it before and I'll say it again: stop using million dollar solutions to fifty dollars problems.

I'm Not Really Here

I’ve been searching for a way to “wake up” as they say in philosophy since my mom turned me onto Zen Buddhism back in the seventies. What does that mean? Well life as we experience it can be lacking in real meaning. Most people accept the reality of life even though it’s illusion. Like those poor actors trapped in the Matrix films. I’ve read everything from Dan Millman’s “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” to the journeys of Castenada to “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” and I’m still clueless.

In frustration I tried different approaches to spiritual enlightenment -then I heard about the strange phenomenon of lucid dreaming. This is the contradictory state of dreaming and knowing your dreaming. Which according to traditional scientific thinking is impossible. You can’t be conscious while your unconscious. Lucid dreaming simply demonstrates that there are many levels of consciousness. Ironically, I read about this concept from clinical scientist Stephen LaBerge who studies it in the laboratory but doesn’t equate it to anything metaphysical like the out of body experience. Hmm this has promise.

I dutifully practiced the techniques for triggering awareness while I was asleep. I looked at my hand several times a day and asked if I were awake or dreaming. The idea being when I’m sleeping and dream begins I will be able to identify this state of consciousness when I look at my hands. I would see my hands holding an object or see my hands buttoning my shirt and the dream guys would yell wake up stupid that’s your cue! to no avail.

The dream guys is the name I give to that part of the unconscious whose job is the creation of dreams. They are the dream police the group Cheap Trick sang about. They are the guys the comedian Jake Johannson did a whole routine about. They are the night crew of the mind.

When I finally managed to wake up in a dream I would spoil it by trying to take over direction of the dream (one of the purposes of the technique according to LaBerge) or after the excitement of realizing I was having a lucid dream I would ask “Ok now what? “ and that just pissed off the dream guys and I’d really wake up. How embarrassing.

The last time I found myself doing this in la la land I made the mistake of questioning reality itself and felt it slipping away from me in such a vivid way that I woke up in terror. Well, I won’t be doing that again, I decided. Thereafter I would allow my conscious self to be minimally aware of dreaming so as not to interfere and annoy the dream guys.

This exactly how I feel about the search for the meaning of life. I kinda, sorta feel it like seeing something out of the corner of my eye but try not to turn my head and look at it directly or it’s gone.

Unless there's a break in the pressure there may be one in me

In a effort to stay focused on writing I have put all other projects aside so I can devote all my available time to the creative process. Big fat mistake. By devoting all my time to writing I am actually interfering with the process of writing. I need to take a break, take a walk, go get groceries, talk to the neighbor- anything to distract me so I don't get so obsessed with writing that I can't write.


One has to allow breathing room to let ideas appear and take form. I realize this contest demands fast work but I don't want it to be a variation of hurry up and wait as they say about filmmaking. Speed is important but I want some of it to make sense and it's the act of putting the pieces of the puzzle in order that drives my writing. So I have stopped being anxious about word count and concern myself with telling the story. The rest of it will take care of itself. It's not like I'm ever going to run of words anyway.

Keep on writing.

and so it goes on

Yesterday was a writing slog but I got over it today when I realized I just wanted to jump ahead and get to another scene. I have to remind myself that like Billy Pilgrim in the Kurt Vonnegut novel, it's ok to experience things in random order. They can be rearranged later, that's what a text program is for-hello?

So I relaxed and nailed down another seventeen pages in long hand. whew. I alternate writing with physical activity to get me out of the house and get exercise- the weather has been lovely the last few days. I can compose while I do physical stuff as well. It's that or play shanghai mahjong on the computer. It's a great way to get my brain to work on ideas while keeping the inner critic busy. The ways of writers can be mysterious.

Stay tuned.

Writing is easy. . .

. . . All you have to do is stare at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood fall on it. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes, like today it's a slog.

I ended up with far too much exposition which really slows down a story and not enough action. Not car chase action but move the story along verbage. For me novel writing consists of answering the question "Ok what happens next?" That can be difficult when I'm in the process of figuring it out and is subject to change without warning. Characters have been known to wander off and do their own thing too.

Some of you may be wondering what this novel is about. It's about 150 pages that's what. It's kinda hard to explain since I'm not sure how it's going to end. My elevator pitch ( tell the plot in 30 seconds) is that it's an autobiography of what might have been that takes place in my home town during a high school reunion. Ding! Oh this is where I get off.

Stay tuned.

The secret to happiness

The only thing that makes me happy is writing. Unfortunately real life, my ego, lack of confidence and ideas often gets in the way and leads me to depression. This writing a novel in a month thing -come hell or high water I'm finishing it goddamn it- is just the kick start I need. So far I have 3677 words and still counting. it's all very rough draft mind you but getting it on paper is better than having it sit around in my mind cluttering up space.

It takes place in my home town of Erie so I have been googling old sites to jog my memory. It's creepy in an Orwellian way that I can virtually tour the town. The street views are particularly strange. Better than having to go back- thank you, so I can't complain too much. Wait a month I may feel sick of even the pictorial version.

Stay tuned.

And she's off!!

In more ways than one. I have taken the plunge into the cold waters of writing into a choppy lake of creativity. I am doing the "write a novel in a month' contest. 50,000 words in 30 days at 1600 some odd words a day.

I write first drafts in long hand. I like to feel the words forming under my hand -like drawing or sculpting. Then I type the second draft on the computer making changes along the way. Although I won't have time this month, which is just as well. There will be no time for second guessing, editing and the inner critic getting involved.

"You have no idea what you're doing stop right now and have drink, really you're not a writer and besid_" Shut the fuck up will you! I'm trying to work here. Sigh.

So this morning I sat down and got to it. To my surprise I managed eight pages before two pens died on me. This has happened before so I knew better than to get upset. Fine I'll get more pens for tomorrows session.

Stay tuned.