Nobody Evers Listens to Alisa McLaughlin

Here is some advice to autistics on how to deal with the world-you normal folks can take it or leave it too.

Lower your expectations, not as in “dumb down” rather, don’t expect things to turn out the way you wanted. Always have a back up plan, consider what could go awry and don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t work. Disappointment is a part of life.

Never accept anything at face value. People promise they are going to (fill in the blank) but often don’t. Most of the time it’s isn’t malicious, they just don’t follow thru for whatever reasons. “I can do that,” “I’ll be there for you,” or the rarely accurate “I’ll be on time.”

Don’t hold a grudge. Canta che ti passa -sing and let it pass, as the Italians say. Holding on to past hurts or mistakes by going over and over them, is a waste of time and energy because chances are the whatever happened is done will never be resolved.

If you really want to prevent grudges-apologize when you realize you have erred or when called on it. The sooner the better and be sincere. We often are unaware or downplay some offense and wonder why someone doesn’t speak to us or acts weird. Too many relationships have failed because of a fault, real or imagined couldn’t be repaired out of pride, ignorance or just plain stubbornness. Lack of communication is a big one.

Apologies are healing and the injured will take comfort from them. We live in an age where they are considered a weakness but it takes courage to admit you screwed up. Be a decent, honest person, own up to a mistake, you will be forgiven. Likewise, accept an apology in kind. If the other person doesn’t accept the apology it’s not your fault either.

Cherish little moments of happiness and precious time with those you love, when someone offers you a gift say thank you, and most of all be kind, it’s worth it.

Passing for Normal is Exhausting

For simplicity sake I use ASD for autistics and NT for everyone else.

 I have been encouraged and inspired to write about autism –maybe even a book but honestly, there has been an outpouring of writing about adult with Autism since I was diagnosed 15 years ago, I don’t think I have anything new or provocative to add.     

The situation for the disabled hasn’t changed much despite the ADA. Historically, society has a slim understanding and tolerance of the disabled, even education is half hearted at best.

Films about autistic characters are just “inspiration porn for the NT” as one ASD commented on line, so they can feel good about how well we overcome adversity while doing absolutely nothing to challenge adversity in the first place.

The ASD spends a lot of time trying to be normal in order to fit in but by being as close to normal as possible their disability is viewed as an exaggeration “ You seem normal enough, why are you upset about something trivial?” The lapses in social behavior are written off as laziness, scatterbrained, deliberately stubborn rather than a limitation caused by the disability. Also acting normal takes a lot of energy.

Here are some good comments posted on Redditby ASD’s about the difficulty and cost of being “high functioning”.

“When you function just enough to mask just enough, it creates its own problems. Other people, people can still tell there's something weird or "off. But unless you're acting like Rainman or nonverbal, they don't ever think of autism. You figure out how to mask and function enough to be part of the machine, but you still don't fit properly. There's still a sense of utter isolation and disconnection. And sooner or later something will give, via a meltdown or social faux pas. “

“. . . People are unconvinced if you tell them you're autistic, or "on the spectrum", however you put it to them, because you've so far passed as "almost normal". . . One is met with a very suspect, unconvinced "What? You? Autistic?" response. Since it's still in the process of being understood scientifically, regular folk have no clue, no understanding, no empathy. Even no belief that you deal with autism.”

Many ASD’s comment that being intelligent is seen by NT’s as a way out of the disability. Like we can think a way to being normal. If you appear normal enough you don’t get support because it looks like you’re coping just fine but it’s exhausting

“When I was seen as simply highly intelligent but very shy and disorganized, I received sympathy and compassion. When I informed others I am in fact Autistic, they accused me of using the diagnosis as an excuse for my behavior, rather than an explanation.”

Another area of failure at trying to pass is not believed. I have heard countless stories and encounter the problem myself that the ASD is often accused of lying. When most people lie they will avert their gaze, this subtle cue alerts the accuser that someone is lying, but with the ASD, the aversion for eye contact undermines their credibility no matter how much they plead with the NT leaving them demoralized. Perhaps out of need to placate the NT who are already suspicious, ASD’s will go out of their way to be as truthful as possible and still fail.

The Autism Files: Empathy Strikes Back

(Disclamer. Fancy terms, scientists love them. Labeling and defining everything gives it a special distinction. Remember neurotic? Very popular in the 70's and 80's until it was apparent everyone had a hang up and it became passé. Same with co-dependent and enabling, we're all doing that in one way or another.

         Neurology has created a whole nomenclature (that's a fancy word for fancy words on a particular subject) when it comes to mental disorders, especially autism.

         Anyone who isn't autistic is alistic except we already have a word for that: normal, oh excuse me neurotypical, but the opposite of neurotypical is not autistic, it's neurodivergent. Can we make things more confusing? Certainly, I'm a woman or rather a cisgender female. Whatever. For simplicity sake I use ASD for autistics and NT for everyone else. Deal with it.)

         ASD's have long been accused of lacking empathy, being aloof, indifferent, even sociopathic. No, ASD's  are often overwhelmed with feeling and shut down so expressing emotions is difficult which the NT misinterprets. What we have here is a failure to communicate.

         It's often the ASD's work to put in the effort to be understood while the NT does not, so the ASD is blamed for the confusion because the directions or the right reaction are obvious to the NT. Now the ASD is stressed because they don't want to upset anyone and doubt their ability to grasp the situation. From the NT's point of view their request seems simple and-- what is wrong with this person?

         It turns out both sides have what is called ‘The double empathy problem' a theory by Dr. Damian Milton that emerged in the early 2010s many autistic people agreed with, but until now hasn’t been shown by science.

         “This impacts how autistic people are viewed,” said Rachel Cheang autistic researcher at Brunel University London’s Centre for Cognitive Neuroscience.

" If they're feeling happy about something and nobody's recognizing that, people won't celebrate the joy with them. And if they're feeling sad about something, it’s not recognized that person might be upset or sad about something. So, then they'll be lacking support or commiseration from people around them.”

         File under duh. No wonder ASD's are a higher risk of depression and suicide. Instead of reacting with frustration or anger, try curiosity and compassion to figure what the hell is going on instead of making assumptions. Everyone benefits.

 

The Autism Files 12/17

 

    Behave. A lot of early education is centered on control to mold a child into an obedient, quiet vessel for social indoctrination. Manage their behavior to make them as normal as possible.

         Much of professional psychology focuses on behavior rather than the underlying cause. When they act out, make them stop, never mind the reason.

         Behavior modification therapy (pros love to create clunky terms) means breaking someone of a behavior by punishment rather finding the root cause of it.  These are people with complex neurology not bad dogs to be trained to sit on command.

         It's not easy or possible to apologize or explain when we are in a stressful state, but it is in everyone's interest to understand the reason. From cops beating people for non compliance to kindergarten kids put in a corner for a tantrum, our first response to anxiety should be to compassionately understand the cause, not berate them.

         Coping with adults, the environment, and sensory stimuli can be a lot for the average child, the threshold is far lower with ASD . What may be a minor irritation to some can be overwhelming to the ASD and it may not take much due to their sensitive nature. Belittling them as overreacting or seeking attention, does not recognize or consider why they are acting that way. Here's a thought: instead of demanding they "behave" why don't you ask what's bothering them? With ASD many behaviors such as stimming are coping mechanisms in response to stress or overstimulation. Stripping a person of a calming action is harmful and disrespectful of that person's distress. You don't calm a bucket of water by shaking it, leave it alone and it will settle by itself.

    Trust. The opposite of anxiety isn't calm, it's trust. Trust in certainty, regularity and schedules are important to maintain a soothing sense of order.

         One of the big disappointments in life is that not everything or everyone can be trusted. My trust issue is being on time--while others are not. That tardiness eroded my trust in them until I accepted that there will be delays. Distrust in people means trying to figure out their intentions, which the ASD may never understand.

Disability as Trope

 

    How is ASD presented in movies, TV and media in general? Poorly. The disabled are used for dramatic purposes, often inaccurate and exaggerated. I could not stand  "The Good Doctor" despite Freddy Highmore's good acting. No one on that show was sympathetic or understood his condition and these were the doctors.

    Actors have no problem depicting unconventional behavior, it's the writers who use stereotypes to illustrate a flaw in character. Remember how gays used to be portrayed as limp wristed nellies? So the poor disabled person is presented as damaged goods to emotionally manipulate the viewer. Where the disabled finds love, acceptance and a happy ending it is the fantasy of the alistic.

    Depicting meltdowns for dramatic purposes is offensive. There is absolutely nothing more upsetting and embarrassing than losing control, especially in front of others. Do we portray a epileptic seizure or soiling ones pants for entertainment?

    I look forward to the day when the disabled are portrayed like race or gender as a simple quirk rather than a heavy handed plot device. We are not here for your clichéd inspiration.

Bits and Pieces

 A Day in the Life with Autism

    I get frustrated easily when something doesn't work, I mean really frustrated, but I don't know if my level is normal or not because I live alone. Living alone with autism is difficult. I can't tell if my behavior toward any given thing is "correct" or not because there is no one to tell me. However, if someone is around there is a very real risk of being scolded for overreacting which adds to my anxiety. There is no clear navigation when I have to figure it out by myself, which is frustrating.

 

Whose Fault is it This Time?

    The election has come and gone. Regardless of the outcome, with every election there is finger pointing at some demograph for the failure on the losing side. A favorite are minorities. It's all their fault, except they make up less than 50% of the population- that's why they are called a minority. Then there are people who complain about the "liberal media" failing the election.

    Ahem. There was no media failure, 90% of all media in America is owned by 6 companies and 5 of them are conservative. The failure was in people thinking that liberals run the media in America.

 

O Brother Friend of Mine

    I've written about friendships before but from a women's perspective. Friendships are a vital part of a healthy society and ours is very ill. Men in particular are not encouraged to forge close relationships with other men for fear a appearing soft or worse -homo. The stoic, solitary man so fashionable in the past is killing men-literally. Men need to be taught how to cultivate these bonds to avoid a lonely, loveless life. Listento these guys, they get it.

 

 

The Autism Files

    I have been meaning to write a book on autism for some time but worried I had nothing to add to the subject or what angle to take was amid the explosion of  books, blogs and You Tube advice. Then I heard autistic Orion Kelly and knew what I had to say. Get ready for some blunt talk from a disabled old broad who has a lot of baggage to unload.

 

 Advice for autistics (ASD) and Neurotypical people ( NT)

Stop being a people pleaser.

    One way the ASD will try to be accepted is by pleasing people, fawning, doing unsolicited favors, being helpful. Stop, just stop. It's misplaced, people don't trust someone being friendly and they don't like having their stuff touched--ever. I took my sisters clothes out of the dryer so they wouldn't get wrinkled and folded them, she didn't appreciate it because she hangs up her t shirts. Oh well, my bad.

     Don't try to placate the NT they won't believe you. Your sincerity will look deliberately exaggerated, you must be hiding something. Don't go out of your way to be pleasant, again they will think it's phony- observe that NT over there sitting with co workers, they barely notice each other and certainly don't gush over someone's shirt or bore them with details of last weekend.

    Offer a minimum nod of hi and make no effort to help out if they don't ask. Of course you run the risk of being labeled cold and indifferent so you can't win anyway.

Being Different is Not a Problem

 

         A teenager is seen crying during his father's speech and everyone is so  surprised and stunned at the unusual, heightened display of emotion. Given how emotionally suppressed our society is --I'm not surprised at all. Being normal means one must react to any given situation in an acceptable manner or risk being labeled as insensitive, cold, unfeeling.

         "Neurodiversity" has come to mean anyone who expresses themselves beyond a narrow accepted range. People have been arrested and accused of murder because they react oddly calm when police inform them of a family death. Autistic people are constantly labeled as incapable of empathy. It never occurs to anyone that the non reaction may be due to being overwhelmed with emotion and shutting down.

          We can blame things like shifting culture, politics, technology but I suspect the real culprit is the fear of the other.

         We live in a world of such wild diversity in plants and animals it's hard to imagine. While we marvel at the variety of nature, when it comes to people we go to extremes to shun those who are --different. Different is suspect, it makes us uncomfortable because it's not normal. But what is normal?

         Being different- and you can point to just about anything as a target-is viewed as an existential threat.

         From the beginning of life, children are considered pieces of clay to be molded into a copy of the parents. That includes fitting in with the social order by means of education, religion, politics or sports. We must all be alike and if you aren't then you are the enemy and we need enemies to draw a community together against the other.

         Why?

         It's the way we are wired. We strive to dominate. Oh we can theorize the root cause in evolution, conformity, tribalism, etc. but it's just a fancy way of saying we are this way because somewhere in our distant past we had a reason to fear the unknown and have not outgrown it. We like to think we are civilized, intelligent creatures but beneath the sophisticated exterior is a frightened animal clinging to their clan because something is different.

         Accepting difference means being flexible, to adjust and compensate for it but physical, mental and spiritual gymnastics are not our strong suit.

         The genetic difference between any human being is minute yet we imagine the difference is vast. The difference can be as minor as someone crying or what they wear, anything is fair game for judgment.

         A black man watering the neighbors garden. That Jewish family with their strange customs and dress. The young man in the convenience store with bright orange hair and lots of tattoos. All are measured as a threat when there is none at all.

         Different.

         The next time you look at someone and sense they're different and easy to disdain, remember- they are probably doing the same to you.        

         There's reason the Golden Rule is in most philosophy and religions, it's meant to balance our ancient fear and equalize humanity. Primordial ignorance isolates us from each other.

         We try to breed plants and animals toward an ideal --sometimes with disastrous, ugly results. We should not do the same with human nature. Different can be enlightening just look at geniuses like Newton, Einstein, Alan Turing, they most certainly were different. Picasso's parents complained to a teacher that all Pablo did was draw. So enroll him in art school was the response.

          Learning to appreciate and celebrate differences is the next evolutionary step in the right direction.

Normal Vs. Disabled

 

    A major problem with ASD is spotting it. Parents, adults and therapists struggle to determine it's presence followed by aggressive efforts to diminish its effect. In education, parents and therapist stress the importance of peer exposure to teach them social skills to normalize their behavior.

    Well, an autistic isn't going to learn thru normal methods of reward and punishment, repeated lessons etc. Their brain processes things differently so expecting them to learn the way other kids do is doomed to fail.

    Parents want their disabled child to be normal in order to fit in and manage the normal world as an adult. The nature of disability prevents that.

Deaf children thrive in a school for the deaf. Why? Because the school is designed for their needs. They can communicate with each other using the same language, literally and figuratively. In a mainstream school there are costly adjustments for an interpreter and special teaching. Meanwhile, teaching deaf children is still a controversial mind field of conflicting ideas about how it's done.

    Mainstreaming has failed the disabled, because schooling isn't designed with them in mind and it's done a terrible job of  inclusion. We might have a better education model for everyone if it reflected the many ways people learn. As I've said before when the disabled are accommodated, it benefits everyone. I would be willing to bet that so called normal children schooled the same way as the disabled would show improvement.

 

Quote of the Week -Waste Not- In Case of a Meltdown

 

Quote of the Week

American democracy will fail... “If it is going to use this power to force the world into color prejudice and race antagonism; if it is going to use it to manufacture millionaires, increase the rule of wealth, and break down democratic government everywhere; if it is going increasingly to stand for reaction, fascism, white supremacy and imperialism; if it is going to promote war and not peace; then America will go the way of the Roman Empire.”   --W.E.B. DuBois.

 

 

 

 

 

 Waste Not

    There is a looming threat to the environment that we are avoiding -waste. People complain about trash left by the homeless. Piles of it strewn about but how practical is it to carry around bags of garbage? Look at a garbage can and see how much refuse we accumulate every day. We don't think about it after it goes in a can to be picked up and poof- gone.

    The waste happens every day. I've seen perfectly good, usable glass jars pitched in the trash like crumpled paper-also recyclable. A mere drop in the vast ocean, you may say, but such small discards pile up and spread.

    Food, construction material, clothing, furniture- all tossed when expired, imperfect or out of date. Capitalism failed to take in to account that our resources and demand are finite with no more space for the cast off.

    The problem is vast. Whole towns under construction then halted to rot. Office buildings empty as the work environment changes, last years fashion shipped to third world countries to be burned in mounds -creating toxic air pollution. People make a living picking up stuff the rich put on the curb and what box store throw in their dumpsters is beyond appalling.

    We already have plenty of stuff. The covid lock down demonstrated this when supply lines were disrupted.

    Sneering at the idea of reuse, recycle and reduce or buying second hand is propaganda from the producers of all this crap. Unfortunately, the onus of reducing waste is placed on the consumer rather than the manufacturers. We have been sold on the convenience of disposable goods when they simply make a bigger mess and ends up costing us more. Recycling plastic- one of the major evils of the modern age- is unprofitable.

    There are things we can do on a daily basis to reduce the waste. I use my own bag when shopping or get a paper bag for garbage instead of plastic.  Since I'm handy with tools I have found ways to repurpose furniture, cardboard and fabric. I've made pillows out of old tee shirts. Food cartons are used for storing crafty stuff and yogurt containers are great as a picnic cup. The longer it stays out of landfills, the better.

     Such efforts might be a drop in the ocean but like the drops, they will accumulate and pay off.

 

Autism: In Case of a Meltdown

    A reader asked if there is something they can do to help when a melt down occurs. Yes-- nothing.

    What people tend to do when someone freaks out is yell and demand the person calm down immediately. Horror stories abound of police taseing, shooting, or injuring people when they are having a fit. Children are punished and locked in isolation rooms. Mental cases are subdued to death.

    All because of extreme response to distress. When someone is in crisis, they are not thinking clearly--apparently the rescuers aren't either. Expecting someone to understand and obey commands in that state is unrealistic. Like someone having an epileptic seizure, the best thing to do is stand by and make sure they don't hurt themselves or others until the moment passes.

    Asking "What can I do to help?" can be a way to stop the cycle when they are only focused on the storm within. Change the subject if they persist with obsessive behavior to help them regain their balance and lose track of the cause of their break down.

    I don't know about psychotics, but autistics are usually horribly embarrassed by the lack of control on display. They spend a lot of energy to maintain a sense of normalcy and are bound to lose it on occasion.

    Everyone has moments of frustration and anger. We need to recognize the difference between genuine despair or someone just having a bad hair day. Treat them with kindness not punishment and they'll be fine again.

 

 

 

 

Grab Bag of Stuff

 Sorry for the delay Real Life© interfered with writing. Here is a mix of things to ponder.

 

Picture of the Day

Let's file this under what the F were they thinking. A top Reddit comment was getting rid of the Decapitator 3000. Your ideas?

Autism Can Be Cool

 Posted by Chris Bonnello author, educator and advocate on his facebook page.Check him out at autisticnotweird.com

    I caused a small explosion in a child’s brain on Saturday (metaphorically speaking). I was in Chippenham for a Rubik’s cube tournament, and a competitor I know came along his brother (8 years old and autistic) for the first time. His mum pointed me out, saying “this is Chris – he’s autistic too! He’s got the same kind of awesome brain that you have!”

    The boy was immediately dismissive, saying “autism isn’t a good thing, it just means you think different to everyone. Why’s that good?”

    He may have asked this rhetorically, but I gave a genuine answer. There was an opportunity here.

    “Do you want to know why autism exists?” I asked.

“Why?”

    I sat down to give my answer. (And a quick disclaimer- I didn’t come up with this on the spot. I speak professionally about neurodiversity using this analogy, and it works well.)

    “Ok, imagine you have ten people on a desert island, they have one hour to build a shelter before a storm arrives, and all of them have exactly the same brain. They only have one set of ideas, one way of looking at the problem, and will probably only come up with one solution. But now imagine you have ten different people on that island – one’s neurotypical, one’s autistic, one’s dyslexic, one has ADHD and so on. THAT way, you have TEN different sets of ideas, and they’re ten times more likely to get that shelter built- as long as they listen to each other.”

    He looked like he immediately understood. Then I finished by saying:

    “THAT’s why autism exists. Because humans do so much better when they can think about problems in lots of different ways!”

    And then BANG. The look on his face…

    People talk all the time about seeing the instant someone has an “I get it!” moment, but in my experience they’re rarely as stark as that boy’s face – from the wide expanding of the eyes, to the looking away from me in a moment of “wow, I need to process this for a second”.

    Best moment of the day, by far. (And this was a day when I solved a 7x7x7 cube in under seven minutes. Three times.)

    One of my ‘catchphrases’ when speaking is “human progress relies on diversity of thought”. It’s a fact that our species relies on, which is all too easily forgotten when we're too busy pathologising difference, or treating autistic people as inferior (and when autistic people are busy obediently believing it).

    Like I said, I don’t just use this analogy with children. I use it with companies when discussing why neurodiversity in the workplace isn’t just a piece of performative inclusion, but an active part in improving your company. I use it in school staff training. I use it in general conversation while geeking out about neurodiversity.

    I won't be forgetting the look in that boy’s face for a long time. In a day packed with speedsolving Rubik’s cubes, that was by far the most important moment. 

 

Assume This 

 Alisa McLaughlin

    Don Miguel Ruiz, a Toltec shaman wrote a book The Four Agreements in which he detailed four principles; be impeccable with your word, don't make assumptions, don't take things personally and do your best.

    Boys and girls, men and women--I got to say he's absolutely right. For me, at the top of the list is making assumptions. People make accusations, judge behavior and generally dismiss others based an faulty assumptions. They must be doing that on purpose, they're lying, or they're being childish based on a single incident.

    Years ago a friend was at my house and went to use the bathroom, passing thru the kitchen where my old housemate was cooking. Apparently he was gruff to her. For years afterward when I mention him in passing, she brought this up. Excuse me, you're still carrying this around? So both these people made assumptions about the other, she was in his space ( that's my kitchen dude) and he must be a rude person period. When I called her on this, she had to admit it was silly to hang on to this.

    Then I had a horrifying realization. Oh my God how many times have I left people with a poor impression of me because of my inattentive, autistic behavior?

    Let me give you all some advice: don't assume it's personal, the vast majority of time whatever it is has nothing to do with you. Science is based on repeated experimentation to prove a hypothesis, not so with people, screw up once and you're labeled for life. Relationships, friendships, and business deals are scorched like the plot of an old sitcom from misunderstanding instead of --oh I don't know-- inquiring if the perception is correct. Maybe then people won't be blacklisted because someone was having a bad hair day and you got in the way.

    Don Miguel didn't mention another important principle; admit when you're wrong. I'm still waiting for the day when someone apologizes to me for an ill perceived fault that ruined our relationship.

     Oh hey, sorry I forgot you had autism, which you mentioned and even explained to me, when you made some tactless remark which I took as a personal affront instead of brushing it off as lack of social skills on your part.

    Yeah, that's never gonna happen. I'll finish with some advice from Kent Keith.

    "People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

    The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. . .

    Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway."

 

 

System Overload

  

    Do you ever feel like you're overwhelmed with information? People with ASD or chronic depression often struggle to manage simple daily tasks that end up being too much to handle.

    How can daily life be so hard? As tasks grow, there are more decisions to make, figuring out which ones to attend to requires more thought and energy  but they will strive to the point of failure.

    The depressed person can't get out of bed to do simple tasks because they just don't have the energy. The person with ADHD can be overwhelmed with options, stimulation, and data.

    It's hard to understand how a seemingly normal adult can't function or take a long time to get things done. It's easy, what's the problem? Your arm isn't broken, you manage to dress and talk alright, why do you need help?

    Because your asking a desk calculator to land a spaceship- like Apollo 11. As they approached the landing, an alarm went off that Buzz Aldrin had to repeatedly shut down. Turns out it was the on board computer saying "I'm overwhelmed and about to crash." It took two skilled pilots to land the craft safely. Sometimes we all need help.

    The skills to do certain tasks don't always translate to others. I know a brilliant physicist who can't figure out how to record a message on the phone. I have good basic mechanical skills but I'm immediately frustrated working on a bike.

    Idiot- savant used to mean people like the character in "Rainman." It was dropped for being insensitive but it's kind of accurate. Some abilities are heightened while others simply aren't there. Everyone has good / bad ability but some are more challenged than the others because of the inability to compensate. Bear this in mind the next time you experience system overload.

Access for All

 

    Changes made to accommodate the disabled benefit everyone. Everything from visual signals by refs and umpires, close-captioning, elevators, and ramps are examples of this benefit.

    The Federal Building in Eugene was intended as a model building but lacked a ramp out front. The assumption was the disabled can use the back door like- ahem- a certain race in the sixties. There was an uproar and a ramp was installed. Now everyone including deliveries with hand trucks, strollers, and people with bad knees, benefit.

    Someone with an obvious barrier can find a simple solution but what about those with an invisible handicap like ASD, ADHD and ok I'm done with acronyms. They have a harder time informing others of their needs and getting results.

    Being aware and knowing how to compensate for someone with sensory issues for example, teaches us how to be aware of other needs as well.

    As I've pointed out before, being an adult does not automatically endow one with the skill to interpret the behavior of others. It does not mean one will know how to respond in a perfectly mature manner when someone ( fill in the blank). Right?

    Like the janitor in the illustration, we may fail to see a different solution. We make assumptions about other people's needs without looking at it from their perspective. That ends up being the job of the disabled. When we are informed, we gain a wider understanding of how people work and can be more responsive and compassionate.

    I had a meltdown over missing a phone call -again- in front of some friends. I apologized in embarrassment but they were understanding and supportive. They got it.

     When someone freaks out, it's generally not a deliberate act of attention but a reaction to stress. Instead of scolding them like a child, show kindness and offer help. It will be enriching and someone will do the same for you.

 

The Autistic Adult Adrift

                  Let's be real, being an adult is not easy, for the autistic more so.

         A few years ago I was on a discussion panel about autistic adult transitioning to work and during Q&A, a mother asked about resources for her adult son. I'll never forget the devastated look on her face when informed there were none.

         I taught a class for adult with autism and the students were all mothers looking for help with their adult children (side bar, we need a better term then adult children, carry on).

         More research needs to be done on autism in midlife because I've yet to see any studies on the effect of a late diagnosis of autism. Until a decade or so ago, there were no autistic voices contributing to the discussion.

          As recent as 2018 there was a belief in a "narrow window of brain plasticity" in children with ASD  so the need for early education and intervention was dire.

         When we come of age it's assumed  we will figure out how to be an adult. Our toolbox of learning, and understanding the world is complete after years of education right?

         Not everyone has the same ability to pick up on what they need to navigate the adult world. This is especially true of autistics who are socially deficient. There are few if any resources as adults, making it harder for them to fit in. Once they discover their disability, it may take years to readjust behavior and undo the damage to their sense of self from years of rejection and failure while dealing with daily challenges.

          There are some who do counsel adult with Autism but they can be hard to find. Hard to find, hard to do, hard to learn are mantras I hear frequently from autistics. It's harder without proper skill to navigate relationships, work, child rearing or where the hell did I put my keys this time-without getting exhausted.

         There is counseling for families in crisis, recovering addicts and other traumas psychology discovers. Help is available for disabled children, but there is no one stop place for the poor autistic shoved out the door once they reach adulthood.

         That needs to change. Unfortunately society has a poor view of the disabled. If they can't keep up academically with normal students, they're stupid. If they require special needs like a ramp or a signing interpreter, they're a bother. Alternately they are viewed as heroic like some Hallmark movie when they overcome their disability to succeed. Cue the sappy music.

         They didn't overcome their disability, they overcame the obstacles of life with lots of hard effort. The undiagnosed autistic suffers. Even after discovery, how much understanding do they get from family, friends or the medical profession?          The expert who diagnosed me offered no information on support or guidance. We have to readjust to a new reality and what to do next, where to seek help. For the most part, the autistic is left to figure it out on their own. Remember we're adults so we should know how to navigate thorough a bureaucratic maze.         

         All of the assistance listed here can be helpful IF they are qualified to make an assessment, check their credentials-seriously.

          A Psychiatrist, psychologist or social worker can offer an assessment. Medication can't alleviate ASD but can help with depression and anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy- a fancy term for talking it out, make sure the counselor has experience with ASD. Vocational rehabilitation can evaluate strengths and needs but that's about it. Support groups offer peer only support and kinship.

         When you break an arm, you know to go to an ER and there's someone to help  you. Where can a newly diagnosed adult with a neurological disability get help?

 

Autism Ruined My Life

    I wanted to write a book bout autism almost from the moment I was diagnosed as an adult. I read books and researched the subject, collected notes, while working on an angle and a title. I looked at the history and medical research on the subject etc. but I couldn't get a handle on the tone. Then one day while bemoaning my fate I thought to myself, autism ruined my life. That's it, that's the title for the book.

    Steve Silberman, author of Neurotribes, which I highly recommend, noted that until recently the discussion of adults with autism has been done behind their back. That's also the theme of this manifesto. It's time to confront this subject head on, now that there is growing awareness that many missed an early diagnosis--especially females--because of faulty or limited understanding of the condition.

    This is not a tale about the hard but ultimately full life I've lived, how I overcame my disability to succeed because that didn't happen. Not all autistics are clever geniuses like Rain Man or Mr. Robot but in fact struggle to live each day dealing with the overwhelming demand from society to behave and just act, you know, normal.

You are going to get an earful and an education about that struggle. It will be enlightening, infuriating with bits of humor thrown in for good measure.

 

Autism Ruined My Life

 

    Because of autism I could never function normally in a world that prefers same rather than different. A world where one makes friends, excels at school, grows up to find a job, fall in love, get along with a family. For autistics, much of this is difficult or unattainable. If the condition is caught early enough, intervention and education can help ease the way but for those diagnosed later in life it's too late.

    I was diagnosed at fifty. Fifty years of rejection, loneliness and failure to keep a job let alone find a vocation (cue the violins). Even now my life isn't much better, but I can see more clearly why I screw up unintentionally and it's still a pain in the ass to deal with daily life. Thanks autism, really. Let's get on with the story.

    I was born a poor black child in a log cabin--no wait. I was born in 1960 during the height of a mini epidemic of measles, mumps and rubella which Mom had while pregnant with me. I was born blind in one eye and nerve deafness in the one ear. At the time anyone with physical birth defects was often deemed retarded as well. ( I know that's now a dirty word but that's what they called us so deal with it).

    As a child I vaguely responded to people and had some odd quirks. I spoke my own language until preschool then switched instantly to English at four years old. Mother noted my insistence on feeding myself and neatly arranging toys in the crib. As a toddler I liked running around with no clothes on. When I was told to keep them on I would wait til I was out of eye sight and remove them. According to an observant neighbor who reported to my amused mother, I would neatly fold them in a pile. A habit I still have, the neat nik part not the running around nude.

    Cute stories, but I only recall one conversation with mom when I was 19 ( Ironically the year researcher Lorna Wing published data on a paper written by Psychologist Hans Asperber about child patients with autistic like behavior ). Anyway, mom insisted "You were autistic as a child but outgrew it." I doubted then it was something one outgrew. What actually happened was I learned to mask the symptoms and mimic people as girls tend to do. Unlike the boys who throw parents into panic because little Bobby is not talking and spends hours staring off into space but little Betty is no problem, she is quiet and virtually invisible.

    When I informed my siblings of my diagnosis they were not the least bit surprised. "Oh mom talked about you being autistic all the time." My older sister dismissed. Really? No one ever mentioned it to me.

 

I will be posting periodic essays to get feedback on what works and what is relevant to the subject Please comment on your own experience and what you like, negative criticism will be ignored.